I have a word or two to say on keeping the Sabbath Day Holy. I will say them as they have been said before because - although it has been clearly delineated not only by God the Father, his Son, and their prophets both ancient and modern - I have heard minor heresy's taught in my own ward.
Minor. I know they are minor. And still, in the weeks since the lesson, I have heard women from my ward rattled with guilt and doubtings of their self worth because there is at least one practice that they were told from our RS pulpit that they cannot engage in on the Sabbath day.
So, minor or not as doctrinal principals may go, I'm still going to quote a prophet on the subject:
"President Kimball taught how we might observe the Sabbath:
“The Sabbath is a day on which to take inventory—to analyze our weaknesses, to confess our sins to our associates and our Lord. It is a day on which to fast in ‘sackcloth and ashes.’ It is a day on which to read good books, a day to contemplate and ponder, … a day to study the scriptures and to prepare sermons, a day to nap and rest and relax, a day to visit the sick, a day to preach the gospel, a day to proselyte, a day to visit quietly with the family and get acquainted with our children, a day for proper courting, a day to do good, a day to drink at the fountain of knowledge and of instruction, a day to seek forgiveness of our sins, a day for the enrichment of our spirit and our soul, a day to restore us to our spiritual stature, a day to partake of the emblems of his sacrifice and atonement, a day to contemplate the glories of the gospel and of the eternal realms, a day to climb high on the upward path toward our Heavenly Father” (Teachings, 216)." - emphasis added.
* view entire WONDERFUL talk here
I highlighted the above section not because it is the MOST important thing to do on the Sabbath, nor can I make the argument that on every Sabbath a nap is the best use of our time. I highlighted it because it is part of the council of one of our prophets that if we need a nap, if we need to rest: the Sabbath is a day given to us by God to do it. It is a day of REST. The God of the Universe rested on the seventh day, and decided it was a good idea to teach His children the same practice of self-care.
I understand if some have been wronged by others taking a nap on the Sabbath, but that is not license to teach that naps are wrong, lazy, forbidden, lax, idle or sinful. Especially when President Kimball made it clear that it's okay; even a good idea to actually rest on the day of rest.
Obviously, this has bothered me for weeks. It bothered me very much at the time, as well, but I am not called to be the RS teacher, so it was in no way my place to attempt setting-records-straight. But this here: this is MY blog. And here I will make it plain that - to me - even minor heresies will not be tolerated. Especially those that interfere directly with "Men are that they might have joy." He didn't say, "Men are that they might be consumed with guilt."
Speaking of which, I will quote my father in law: "Guilt is a useless emotion."
I argued that point with him for quite a while, saying that if we didn't feel guilt we wouldn't want to change. Well, that's not quite right. By definition: "•Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realises or believes--accurately or not--that they have violated a moral standard, and bear sole responsibility for that violation. It is closely related to the concept of remorse."
But a person can function forever in guilt and never have desire to change. In fact, I have been present to feeling SO guilty of a perceived or actual offense against person or deity that one feels they cannot change: that God wouldn't want them now anyway.
Well, here is the doctrine on that topic:
"In order to be forgiven, we must first acknowledge within ourselves that we have sinned. If we are striving to live the gospel, such an acknowledgment will lead to “godly sorrow,” which “worketh repentance to salvation” (2 Corinthians 7:10). Godly sorrow does not come because of the natural consequences of sin or because of a fear of punishment; rather, it comes from the knowledge that we have, through our actions, displeased our Heavenly Father and our Savior. When we experience godly sorrow, we have a sincere desire for change and a willingness to submit to every requirement for forgiveness." view entire entry from LDS.org here
Did they saw we should wash ourselves in the salt scrub of guilt: rubbing it in until we are raw and bleeding? No. I believe the term carefully chosen was "godly sorrow."
I know that "the wicked taketh the truth to be hard." Doesn't that mean that the righteous would take the truth to be soft? When our hearts or minds rebel against something that is portrayed as a truth we owe it to ourselves, our religion and our God to first assess our 'stats' (as it were) and then, if we find nothing truly out of order to search it out in the scriptures of our faith and find out whether we are hearing hard truth, or whether we are hearing a half-truth mingled with the philosophies of men.
"If ye cannot understand, it is because ye ask not, neither do ye knock." 2 Ne. 32:4
In this vein: I have never heard God say "Ask and I shall shut you out of all knowledge because you can't handle the truth." As I recall, it goes more like this: “ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”scripture here
Russell M. Nelson taught:
"Every Latter-day Saint may merit personal revelation. The invitation to ask, seek, and knock for divine direction exists because God lives and Jesus is the living Christ. It exists because this is His living Church. ... Revelation from God is always compatible with His eternal law. It never contradicts His doctrine. It is facilitated by proper reverence for Deity. To access information from heaven, one must first have a firm faith and a deep desire. One needs to “ask with a sincere heart [and] real intent, having faith in [Jesus] Christ." “Real intent” means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given. The next requirement is to study the matter diligently. This concept was taught to leaders of this restored Church when they were first learning how to gain personal revelation. The Lord instructed them, “I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.” just read the whole talk here!
I am not perfect. And I strive to progress beyond my current knowledge, current understanding and current level of compassion/love. It is true that I do not know what other people do in their own homes or hearts. I suppose it is quite prideful to assume that these other people are simply eating up the air-filled half-doctrines and then wondering why they aren't spiritually filled, and that I in my passion for truth have any responsibility to set the record straight. I do not mean to offend. If my assumption that some are in need of enlightenment offends: then I apologize. But to those who are relieved to hear that they are not going to hell or will have the Spirit of the Lord completely cut off for napping on Sunday: have a good rest. :)
Debunking of further minor heresies is sure to follow.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The Word Machine
I finally beat my old highest score on the game that resides on my sidebar.
My last best round was 28, with a score in 59,000.
This morning: made it to round 29 with a score of 73,237.
That felt nice......
My last best round was 28, with a score in 59,000.
This morning: made it to round 29 with a score of 73,237.
That felt nice......
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I am that I might have joy.
I was driving home tonight, holding my husband's hand, and was so enveloped in joy that I knee-jerk wondered - fear in the thought - "What horrible thing is going to happen next?"
Then I laughed at myself as a scripture came to mind: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy."
For the record: in this context might does not mean or even imply maybe. I'm serious. Think about that for a second (unless you have known it for years. Even then, just take a second.)
How do I know? Well, grammatically, if it meant maybe we would be able to reword the scripture this way: "Adam fell that man perhaps could exist (there are no guarantee's after all), and men are (wait, didn't we just say that man might not be at all?) that they maybe could happen upon some joy if they were lucky while traipsing along their possible lives on earth; like accidentally stepping in gum or dog poop. Maybe."
I'm pretty sure that's not right. "Adam fell so man would exist, and men exist so they may/can experience joy." Implying that we could not have experienced joy without coming. Got it? Makes so much more sense. Especially coming from the God that I am familiar with and worship every day, whose commandments I keep because they bring me joy.
Anyway, so then I took a moment to examine why I assumed that something bad would happen just because I was so happy. It didn't take me long to find the infected root and the dirty water system that fed it. How many times have we heard "Opposition in all things" in a context that clearly states: "When there is good, bad will follow." Or "I am doing well now, so Satan will come at me again soon." Or even, "I better not get too used to these blessings, because they will be taken away eventually because - after all - 'opposition in all things.'"
I'm just going to say it: I'm getting really tired of people saying things they don't think about long enough to understand.
I know, I'm judging. I know that. I'd like to not to. Wait, that's another one of those things. "Judge not," they say, but then forget to include, "that ye be not judged." And they totally ignore the other scriptures regarding judgement, particularly this one in Matthew: "judge not unrighteously, … but judge righteous judgment."
I loved this by Dallin H. Oaks:
"I have been puzzled that some scriptures command us not to judge and others instruct us that we should judge and even tell us how to do it. But as I have studied these passages I have become convinced that these seemingly contradictory directions are consistent when we view them with the perspective of eternity. The key is to understand that there are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make, but upon righteous principles." View the entire talk here
I NEVER hear that part of it in a RS lesson. NEVER.
Not being taught properly may not seem like a big thing, but it must be. Because as I was experiencing a great feeling of joy, it was immediately followed by my feeling afraid, ashamed, anxious, and wary of what would be coming around the corner to take it away. I wondered what I must be ignoring because I couldn't possibly be righteous enough to be happy. If I knew myself and my eternal standing well enough, I wouldn't have time to feel this great joy. Right? Isn't that what I'm being taught and have been taught in RS and Young Women and Seminary for as long as I have been in those classes?
I believe that the teachers are attempting to teach humility and faith through hardship. But - and I'm coming up against a lot of this recently - no one is asking or answering the most important question: "Why?"
*Why are there hardships?
*Why do we have children?
*Why do we keep the commandments?
*Why do we pray?
*Why do we attend church?
*Why do we clean our houses?
*Why do we care for others?
*Why do we feed our children, husbands, pets and occasionally friends?
*Why do we pay tithing?
*Why do we do anything while on this earth?
I'll tell you the answer, just as the Lord has: Men are that they might have joy.
The whole reason for EVERYTHING is to experience joy. And whose job is it? God's? Actually He did His part already. He came up with a plan (fool-proof, really, seeing as the Atonement is INFINITE), made an earth, gave us a Savior and sent us down here with complete agency (meaning, the ability and freedom to act as our own agent, free of force.) It took a lot of guts for him to do that. Joy and progression must be pretty important.....
So God has done everything within His power to offer us joy. Of course, as they say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You can give your children Christmas presents galore, but you can't make them happy. You can give your wife an evening away from the children when she asks for it, but you can't make her calm the heck down and appreciate how great it is to be with the children. You can buy a new car, but you can't control the other moron who just rear-ended you....
Father gave His children the world and all the tools needed to enable them on their joy-bound journey, but He, our great Father in Heaven, will not EVER force a single one of us to experience joy.
In that same vein, He will never take joy from us.
"Know this, that ev’ry soul is free
To choose his life and what he’ll be;
For this eternal truth is giv’n:
That God will force no man to heav’n.
He’ll call, persuade, direct aright,
And bless with wisdom, love, and light,
In nameless ways be good and kind,
But never force the human mind."
- Hymn 240
God is not playing a game of chess, nor is He running a lottery. Our nightly prayers or daily scripture studies do NOT enter us into that great contest in the sky and up our chances of getting His pre-determined number of blessings to fall on our heads rather than someone else's.
So why commandments? Because the children of Israel said, "What should we be doing?" And God has always told His children, "Ask and ye shall receive," so he gave them some pretty great advice.
Don't kill, don't steal, honor your parents, don't fornicate, keep the Sabbath Day holy etc.
(and hey - don't even get me STARTED on what I'm being taught about the Sabbath Day... I'll do a whole separate blog on that later.)
I've kept those commandments - or at least I've made it my life's work to keep those commandments - especially the "higher law" versions of "Love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength" and "Love one another."
And ya know what, I'll tell you the result: I'm a pretty freaking happy woman.
I was not always so. Three years ago I had almost exactly what I have now.... but I wasn't happy. I mean, I was essentially happy or content or whatever, but what I'm feeling now is so vastly superior to that emotion that it really doesn't compare.
What changed? I did.
According to modern day prophetic advice, I upped my Gratitude. Holy make a difference, Batman!
Because, okay, eternal perspective. That means - assuming we trust in God and trust that the whole reason for this entire thing is our joy - we gotta look at every experience with the question: "So how does/can this bring me/heighten my joy?"
I'm not stupid and I realize that in many situations, there will absolutely seem to be no answer. At least no answer that is outside the realm of sarcasm. :) But let's remember the part where we are trusting God. He doesn't lie. When He says that "men are that they might have joy," He was absolutely NOT B.S.-ing us.
For instance, as we were driving home and my 22-week pregnant belly began to contract, signaling the coming snowstorm, and I whimpered with discomfort. Muad'Dib expressed his concern that perhaps this whole meteorological anomaly was odd and he didn't remember me going through that with the others..... which led us to think about my last two pregnancies. And boy do we have a lot to be thankful for with this one.
I look at what two dear women are going through, and I remember acutely what it felt like to experience frighteningly similar emotions in my own life. And I'm led to gratitude for all those times I was convinced that I was on the despair paved road to insanity. I'm grateful for the sub-par poetry that gave vent to those toxic thoughts. I'm grateful for every good and bad play I've been in that purged my soul of the over-supply of emotions. I'm grateful for the ultimatums that got me off my butt and showed me what I was made of. I'm also very grateful that I'm not going through it now. I'm grateful then for learning that sometimes my help is not helpful, so I can sit back and wait for a good time, or wait for someone to ask for my help.
I'm grateful for the teachers that have made things hard for me and my son, because through the experience, I have learned so much about myself, my boy and my daughter. My son has become closer with his Grandfather. I have truly realized how much my children need me.
I could go on. When it comes down to it, what I mean to say is that our joy is our responsibility. And in fact, it is intended to be our first priority.
So when I sat in my car tonight holding my husband's hand, when my daughter played with my hair as she fell to sleep, when I covered my son's face with kisses and listened to him speak with wonder about his coming little brother, I took a deep breath and let myself feel joy free of shame, fear or guilt. Because that's truly what my Father hoped for when He made the earth for me, gave His Son for me and sent me here with agency.
I'd better not let Him down. And really, with a calling like "go have joy," why would I want to?
Then I laughed at myself as a scripture came to mind: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy."
For the record: in this context might does not mean or even imply maybe. I'm serious. Think about that for a second (unless you have known it for years. Even then, just take a second.)
How do I know? Well, grammatically, if it meant maybe we would be able to reword the scripture this way: "Adam fell that man perhaps could exist (there are no guarantee's after all), and men are (wait, didn't we just say that man might not be at all?) that they maybe could happen upon some joy if they were lucky while traipsing along their possible lives on earth; like accidentally stepping in gum or dog poop. Maybe."
I'm pretty sure that's not right. "Adam fell so man would exist, and men exist so they may/can experience joy." Implying that we could not have experienced joy without coming. Got it? Makes so much more sense. Especially coming from the God that I am familiar with and worship every day, whose commandments I keep because they bring me joy.
Anyway, so then I took a moment to examine why I assumed that something bad would happen just because I was so happy. It didn't take me long to find the infected root and the dirty water system that fed it. How many times have we heard "Opposition in all things" in a context that clearly states: "When there is good, bad will follow." Or "I am doing well now, so Satan will come at me again soon." Or even, "I better not get too used to these blessings, because they will be taken away eventually because - after all - 'opposition in all things.'"
I'm just going to say it: I'm getting really tired of people saying things they don't think about long enough to understand.
I know, I'm judging. I know that. I'd like to not to. Wait, that's another one of those things. "Judge not," they say, but then forget to include, "that ye be not judged." And they totally ignore the other scriptures regarding judgement, particularly this one in Matthew: "judge not unrighteously, … but judge righteous judgment."
I loved this by Dallin H. Oaks:
"I have been puzzled that some scriptures command us not to judge and others instruct us that we should judge and even tell us how to do it. But as I have studied these passages I have become convinced that these seemingly contradictory directions are consistent when we view them with the perspective of eternity. The key is to understand that there are two kinds of judging: final judgments, which we are forbidden to make, and intermediate judgments, which we are directed to make, but upon righteous principles." View the entire talk here
I NEVER hear that part of it in a RS lesson. NEVER.
Not being taught properly may not seem like a big thing, but it must be. Because as I was experiencing a great feeling of joy, it was immediately followed by my feeling afraid, ashamed, anxious, and wary of what would be coming around the corner to take it away. I wondered what I must be ignoring because I couldn't possibly be righteous enough to be happy. If I knew myself and my eternal standing well enough, I wouldn't have time to feel this great joy. Right? Isn't that what I'm being taught and have been taught in RS and Young Women and Seminary for as long as I have been in those classes?
I believe that the teachers are attempting to teach humility and faith through hardship. But - and I'm coming up against a lot of this recently - no one is asking or answering the most important question: "Why?"
*Why are there hardships?
*Why do we have children?
*Why do we keep the commandments?
*Why do we pray?
*Why do we attend church?
*Why do we clean our houses?
*Why do we care for others?
*Why do we feed our children, husbands, pets and occasionally friends?
*Why do we pay tithing?
*Why do we do anything while on this earth?
I'll tell you the answer, just as the Lord has: Men are that they might have joy.
The whole reason for EVERYTHING is to experience joy. And whose job is it? God's? Actually He did His part already. He came up with a plan (fool-proof, really, seeing as the Atonement is INFINITE), made an earth, gave us a Savior and sent us down here with complete agency (meaning, the ability and freedom to act as our own agent, free of force.) It took a lot of guts for him to do that. Joy and progression must be pretty important.....
So God has done everything within His power to offer us joy. Of course, as they say, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." You can give your children Christmas presents galore, but you can't make them happy. You can give your wife an evening away from the children when she asks for it, but you can't make her calm the heck down and appreciate how great it is to be with the children. You can buy a new car, but you can't control the other moron who just rear-ended you....
Father gave His children the world and all the tools needed to enable them on their joy-bound journey, but He, our great Father in Heaven, will not EVER force a single one of us to experience joy.
In that same vein, He will never take joy from us.
"Know this, that ev’ry soul is free
To choose his life and what he’ll be;
For this eternal truth is giv’n:
That God will force no man to heav’n.
He’ll call, persuade, direct aright,
And bless with wisdom, love, and light,
In nameless ways be good and kind,
But never force the human mind."
- Hymn 240
God is not playing a game of chess, nor is He running a lottery. Our nightly prayers or daily scripture studies do NOT enter us into that great contest in the sky and up our chances of getting His pre-determined number of blessings to fall on our heads rather than someone else's.
So why commandments? Because the children of Israel said, "What should we be doing?" And God has always told His children, "Ask and ye shall receive," so he gave them some pretty great advice.
Don't kill, don't steal, honor your parents, don't fornicate, keep the Sabbath Day holy etc.
(and hey - don't even get me STARTED on what I'm being taught about the Sabbath Day... I'll do a whole separate blog on that later.)
I've kept those commandments - or at least I've made it my life's work to keep those commandments - especially the "higher law" versions of "Love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength" and "Love one another."
And ya know what, I'll tell you the result: I'm a pretty freaking happy woman.
I was not always so. Three years ago I had almost exactly what I have now.... but I wasn't happy. I mean, I was essentially happy or content or whatever, but what I'm feeling now is so vastly superior to that emotion that it really doesn't compare.
What changed? I did.
According to modern day prophetic advice, I upped my Gratitude. Holy make a difference, Batman!
Because, okay, eternal perspective. That means - assuming we trust in God and trust that the whole reason for this entire thing is our joy - we gotta look at every experience with the question: "So how does/can this bring me/heighten my joy?"
I'm not stupid and I realize that in many situations, there will absolutely seem to be no answer. At least no answer that is outside the realm of sarcasm. :) But let's remember the part where we are trusting God. He doesn't lie. When He says that "men are that they might have joy," He was absolutely NOT B.S.-ing us.
For instance, as we were driving home and my 22-week pregnant belly began to contract, signaling the coming snowstorm, and I whimpered with discomfort. Muad'Dib expressed his concern that perhaps this whole meteorological anomaly was odd and he didn't remember me going through that with the others..... which led us to think about my last two pregnancies. And boy do we have a lot to be thankful for with this one.
I look at what two dear women are going through, and I remember acutely what it felt like to experience frighteningly similar emotions in my own life. And I'm led to gratitude for all those times I was convinced that I was on the despair paved road to insanity. I'm grateful for the sub-par poetry that gave vent to those toxic thoughts. I'm grateful for every good and bad play I've been in that purged my soul of the over-supply of emotions. I'm grateful for the ultimatums that got me off my butt and showed me what I was made of. I'm also very grateful that I'm not going through it now. I'm grateful then for learning that sometimes my help is not helpful, so I can sit back and wait for a good time, or wait for someone to ask for my help.
I'm grateful for the teachers that have made things hard for me and my son, because through the experience, I have learned so much about myself, my boy and my daughter. My son has become closer with his Grandfather. I have truly realized how much my children need me.
I could go on. When it comes down to it, what I mean to say is that our joy is our responsibility. And in fact, it is intended to be our first priority.
So when I sat in my car tonight holding my husband's hand, when my daughter played with my hair as she fell to sleep, when I covered my son's face with kisses and listened to him speak with wonder about his coming little brother, I took a deep breath and let myself feel joy free of shame, fear or guilt. Because that's truly what my Father hoped for when He made the earth for me, gave His Son for me and sent me here with agency.
I'd better not let Him down. And really, with a calling like "go have joy," why would I want to?
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Another blog about writing.......
So, I've been thinking a lot. Fedaykin and my hunny have brought some things to my attention, particularly as relates to writing.
Fedaykin noticed that when I discuss my writing, I get pretty - and simply - stupid. All the truth and wisdom I seem to be armed with on other occasions and subjects totally falls apart like a bike without bolts. He was basically laughing at me and my irrational fear-based arguments.
He even went so far as to kill one of my excuses with an early Christmas present: A digital recorder.
Then there is Muad'Dib who has made a few observations regarding my "poetry" and my brain blockage when it comes to long (novel length) fiction stories. I have characters but can't seem to get them from point A to point B. He thinks that I'm pretty good with short stories (note "The Mystery of the Missing Legos"). He also pointed out that I come alive when talking about non-fiction; such as putting life principles in a story-like context or sharing an experience for the purpose of illustrating a lesson/application of lesson.
I also enjoy being a "ghost-writer," and an editor.
So where does that put me?
Muad'Dib has suggested that I write a children's book about sharing, using true principles. Or a "feel good" book illustrating true principles of self-interest as found in the gospel, and how to incorporate those things into our lives (rather than the alternative, which seems to be "Do service or God won't love you as much, and the Spirit will LEAVE you. Especially on Sunday; which is only a day of rest if by 'rest' you mean doing as much for other people as you can regardless of yourself and/or what brings you peace.")
I guess that I am wondering - like my husband on his blog - "Where do I go from here?" The Lord has basically made a song out of the word "Write." And I hear it in my head any time I ask "What can I do" either to help myself emotionally, help my family financially, help others... the answer is always the same. Yet it seems that the direction ends there. So am I to conclude that I must do as Julia Cameron suggests and DO IT no matter my mood, without appraising the content - just hoping that something good falls out of me and lands on paper?
Or should I conclude that I have not yet found that venue that makes my brain whir like a fully functioning piece of machinery with full batteries and endless space to run?
I am at a loss. Sure I write the blog....and that is likely what makes Muad'Dib say "non-fiction."
I still get stuck on the thought, "What do I know well enough to write it?" I know myself.....and that's about it. I know what I've been through, how I've dealt with it, how that's been to my advantage or disadvantage. I even know how to see something as though it were to my advantage, rather than the opposite. Yet I don't know that my processes are of any worth to others.
On the other hand, I get downright upset when I read other books and see that the authors can't write as well as I can. I know: pride. I know. Yet when I read those kinds of books it makes me sick. It's like a person who CAN play the organ, and play it well, but chooses not to, but then that person gets mad when the "amature" who does get up to play the organ, doesn't do it as well. There's a word for that: ridiculous. Here's another: silly. Bad-selfish. Stupid.
And this is the rut I talk myself into whenever writing comes up. No wonder Muad'Dib lets me alone and Fedaykin laughs like he's watching the newest Jacka** movie. Because it's painfully, laughably stupid. It's the chance to watch my brain malfunction, when so often it seems to be a fine specimen of working order. Yikes.
At least these conversations over the past few days have got me thinking of how to portray the true principles of sharing....and if I can get to work, perhaps I'll need an illustrator in a few weeks. We'll see. Any other ideas? Anyone?
Fedaykin noticed that when I discuss my writing, I get pretty - and simply - stupid. All the truth and wisdom I seem to be armed with on other occasions and subjects totally falls apart like a bike without bolts. He was basically laughing at me and my irrational fear-based arguments.
He even went so far as to kill one of my excuses with an early Christmas present: A digital recorder.
Then there is Muad'Dib who has made a few observations regarding my "poetry" and my brain blockage when it comes to long (novel length) fiction stories. I have characters but can't seem to get them from point A to point B. He thinks that I'm pretty good with short stories (note "The Mystery of the Missing Legos"). He also pointed out that I come alive when talking about non-fiction; such as putting life principles in a story-like context or sharing an experience for the purpose of illustrating a lesson/application of lesson.
I also enjoy being a "ghost-writer," and an editor.
So where does that put me?
Muad'Dib has suggested that I write a children's book about sharing, using true principles. Or a "feel good" book illustrating true principles of self-interest as found in the gospel, and how to incorporate those things into our lives (rather than the alternative, which seems to be "Do service or God won't love you as much, and the Spirit will LEAVE you. Especially on Sunday; which is only a day of rest if by 'rest' you mean doing as much for other people as you can regardless of yourself and/or what brings you peace.")
I guess that I am wondering - like my husband on his blog - "Where do I go from here?" The Lord has basically made a song out of the word "Write." And I hear it in my head any time I ask "What can I do" either to help myself emotionally, help my family financially, help others... the answer is always the same. Yet it seems that the direction ends there. So am I to conclude that I must do as Julia Cameron suggests and DO IT no matter my mood, without appraising the content - just hoping that something good falls out of me and lands on paper?
Or should I conclude that I have not yet found that venue that makes my brain whir like a fully functioning piece of machinery with full batteries and endless space to run?
I am at a loss. Sure I write the blog....and that is likely what makes Muad'Dib say "non-fiction."
I still get stuck on the thought, "What do I know well enough to write it?" I know myself.....and that's about it. I know what I've been through, how I've dealt with it, how that's been to my advantage or disadvantage. I even know how to see something as though it were to my advantage, rather than the opposite. Yet I don't know that my processes are of any worth to others.
On the other hand, I get downright upset when I read other books and see that the authors can't write as well as I can. I know: pride. I know. Yet when I read those kinds of books it makes me sick. It's like a person who CAN play the organ, and play it well, but chooses not to, but then that person gets mad when the "amature" who does get up to play the organ, doesn't do it as well. There's a word for that: ridiculous. Here's another: silly. Bad-selfish. Stupid.
And this is the rut I talk myself into whenever writing comes up. No wonder Muad'Dib lets me alone and Fedaykin laughs like he's watching the newest Jacka** movie. Because it's painfully, laughably stupid. It's the chance to watch my brain malfunction, when so often it seems to be a fine specimen of working order. Yikes.
At least these conversations over the past few days have got me thinking of how to portray the true principles of sharing....and if I can get to work, perhaps I'll need an illustrator in a few weeks. We'll see. Any other ideas? Anyone?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
2010 Year in Status
This is a compilation of some of my Facebook Statuses over the year. I had a hard time weedling it down, because it turns out: I'm pretty dang funny. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Stirred by a word
Fedaykin said my blog this year has been - in a word - pathetic. Can't say I blame him for the brutally honest assessment. I have looked over the year and wondered, "Where did it go?" Events made up my year, more so than thoughts, definetely more so than strokes of inspiration or even creativity.
My writing has ceased entirely. I haven't written anything creative in...um...easily all year, perhaps longer. I haven't missed it entirely, taken up as I have been with theatrical endeavor after theatrical endeavor. Seven Brides, Drama Club, Sister's Wedding, Crucible, Pregnancy...Some of course being more theatrical than others. :)
I don't even believe I've had a creative thought that didn't have to do with positioning baby furniture, building set, arranging flowers or communicating with an actor. My kids have stopped asking me to tell them stories, because I've been so preoccupied, I've told them I can't think of any.
Is this sad? I don't know. Who is missing it, honestly? I've been VERY happy. It's not until I read past journals or meanderings of thought and see that for years my soul has been tied up in the ambition of being a true writer that I wonder what I've neglected. Maybe nothing. To everything there is a season, yes? I have seen it to be so; the Wheel Weaves as the Wheel Wills and all that.
Anyone notice my tone? It has nothing to do with the current topic, however. We've been having difficulties with my son's school. In fact, if my son's school had a face, I would punch it. I have heard and seen things quite troubling and been told that it is the way it is, and that as long as test scores over all remain high, then my son must be in need of drugs to bring him up to everyone else's speed. This is of course a very short telling of a very long and involved story.
I am surprised by my emotional reactions to this situation. Lori described me as a Mama Bear on a Facebook quiz. I did not agree with her choice in animal until two weeks ago. I have done my utmost (and succeeded) in not letting the Mama Bear rampaging inside me to leak out into reality as I've attempted to manuver and handle this situation. Instead I've been the one thing I never thought possible of myself: diplomatic. And what have I learned? Diplomacy sucks. Yeah, you heard me. Diplomacy might work if there was mutual respect between the parties. But these teachers do NOT have respect for me, nor do they respect the option that my son might be individual.
And all the while, they tell me their opinions of him and I see myself in their descriptions. I point it out and they look at me as though they were wondering how to get me on drugs, too.
I was the girl in fourth grade who, when berated by the teacher for not doing my classwork, would instead fill in the blanks thus: "If I were in charge I would: fire all the teachers in the world, especially you, you stupid dummy." Liam doesn't do that - he has a much stronger moral compass and isn't confrontational with authority. But he will ignore them if he wants to. As I grew up, I did the same things. I would open up Jurrassic Park rather than listen to my PreAlgebra teacher. I would write stories for hours on end rather than listen to the ramblings of my Biology teacher. Did I get the best grades? No. Did I even get grades that reflected my intelligence? Not even close...I bet my past teachers were just DYING for the chance to NAME my malady and drug me into submission. I guess that because that is what these teachers are looking for now.
I've illustrated some teachers/teaching situations that I ignored. Let me for a moment say a word for those who inspired me: Mrs. Georgis - 1st grade introduced me to theater and told me to use my special talents and abilities to my advantage. Mrs. Bonini told me I should write, because I had a great mind. Mrs. Harrison gave me books and let me immerse myself in them, guessing that I would learn more by doing that, than by doing what everyone else in class was. Mrs. Chady who challenged me to think bigger and more, to harness my confrontational demeanor into useful debates or to protect others. Mrs. Jensen who brought Shakespeare to my awareness, and found that I had a talent with it. Mrs. DeHart who taught despite my refusal to think within her box, and would take the time to prove her theories. She made literature come alive. Mrs. Miya who made history relevant.
Come to think of it, all the teachers who worked for me were literature and writing centered. I don't remember a single science or math teacher that clicked with my brain until college. Oh, and they allowed me to ask questions without being put out.
I learned with pictures and concepts. Memorization of facts has only been my strong suit when it comes to movies or theater or books. What is the pythagorean theorum? I don't know. Who starred in the 1954 version of Jane Eyre? That I know. I could even tell you the famous siblings of the stars and quote a few lines and explain why the film noir version did good and bad for the storytelling.
My son is like that. What I can't figure out is why the hell teachers think there's something WRONG with it. He remembers science and concept math like I remember the names and associations of performers.
Basically I'm just frustrated. In the meantime I will do what I can to teach him, since his teachers are unwilling to take the time to do so themselves. When I asked for their curriculum so I could teach him before he comes to school, they were thrilled that I would be taking over. So I guess that's what I can do, since I'm not allowed to move him to another school or even to another class.
I will teach my son, because no one else will. I guess then it's a good thing he's got me. Just as much as it's a good thing I get him. I love him more than I can say, and in a way I am grateful for this horrible situation which has thrown my love and devotion to him into great relief. I see my love now. And my son will get that chance, too; and very soon.
My writing has ceased entirely. I haven't written anything creative in...um...easily all year, perhaps longer. I haven't missed it entirely, taken up as I have been with theatrical endeavor after theatrical endeavor. Seven Brides, Drama Club, Sister's Wedding, Crucible, Pregnancy...Some of course being more theatrical than others. :)
I don't even believe I've had a creative thought that didn't have to do with positioning baby furniture, building set, arranging flowers or communicating with an actor. My kids have stopped asking me to tell them stories, because I've been so preoccupied, I've told them I can't think of any.
Is this sad? I don't know. Who is missing it, honestly? I've been VERY happy. It's not until I read past journals or meanderings of thought and see that for years my soul has been tied up in the ambition of being a true writer that I wonder what I've neglected. Maybe nothing. To everything there is a season, yes? I have seen it to be so; the Wheel Weaves as the Wheel Wills and all that.
Anyone notice my tone? It has nothing to do with the current topic, however. We've been having difficulties with my son's school. In fact, if my son's school had a face, I would punch it. I have heard and seen things quite troubling and been told that it is the way it is, and that as long as test scores over all remain high, then my son must be in need of drugs to bring him up to everyone else's speed. This is of course a very short telling of a very long and involved story.
I am surprised by my emotional reactions to this situation. Lori described me as a Mama Bear on a Facebook quiz. I did not agree with her choice in animal until two weeks ago. I have done my utmost (and succeeded) in not letting the Mama Bear rampaging inside me to leak out into reality as I've attempted to manuver and handle this situation. Instead I've been the one thing I never thought possible of myself: diplomatic. And what have I learned? Diplomacy sucks. Yeah, you heard me. Diplomacy might work if there was mutual respect between the parties. But these teachers do NOT have respect for me, nor do they respect the option that my son might be individual.
And all the while, they tell me their opinions of him and I see myself in their descriptions. I point it out and they look at me as though they were wondering how to get me on drugs, too.
I was the girl in fourth grade who, when berated by the teacher for not doing my classwork, would instead fill in the blanks thus: "If I were in charge I would: fire all the teachers in the world, especially you, you stupid dummy." Liam doesn't do that - he has a much stronger moral compass and isn't confrontational with authority. But he will ignore them if he wants to. As I grew up, I did the same things. I would open up Jurrassic Park rather than listen to my PreAlgebra teacher. I would write stories for hours on end rather than listen to the ramblings of my Biology teacher. Did I get the best grades? No. Did I even get grades that reflected my intelligence? Not even close...I bet my past teachers were just DYING for the chance to NAME my malady and drug me into submission. I guess that because that is what these teachers are looking for now.
I've illustrated some teachers/teaching situations that I ignored. Let me for a moment say a word for those who inspired me: Mrs. Georgis - 1st grade introduced me to theater and told me to use my special talents and abilities to my advantage. Mrs. Bonini told me I should write, because I had a great mind. Mrs. Harrison gave me books and let me immerse myself in them, guessing that I would learn more by doing that, than by doing what everyone else in class was. Mrs. Chady who challenged me to think bigger and more, to harness my confrontational demeanor into useful debates or to protect others. Mrs. Jensen who brought Shakespeare to my awareness, and found that I had a talent with it. Mrs. DeHart who taught despite my refusal to think within her box, and would take the time to prove her theories. She made literature come alive. Mrs. Miya who made history relevant.
Come to think of it, all the teachers who worked for me were literature and writing centered. I don't remember a single science or math teacher that clicked with my brain until college. Oh, and they allowed me to ask questions without being put out.
I learned with pictures and concepts. Memorization of facts has only been my strong suit when it comes to movies or theater or books. What is the pythagorean theorum? I don't know. Who starred in the 1954 version of Jane Eyre? That I know. I could even tell you the famous siblings of the stars and quote a few lines and explain why the film noir version did good and bad for the storytelling.
My son is like that. What I can't figure out is why the hell teachers think there's something WRONG with it. He remembers science and concept math like I remember the names and associations of performers.
Basically I'm just frustrated. In the meantime I will do what I can to teach him, since his teachers are unwilling to take the time to do so themselves. When I asked for their curriculum so I could teach him before he comes to school, they were thrilled that I would be taking over. So I guess that's what I can do, since I'm not allowed to move him to another school or even to another class.
I will teach my son, because no one else will. I guess then it's a good thing he's got me. Just as much as it's a good thing I get him. I love him more than I can say, and in a way I am grateful for this horrible situation which has thrown my love and devotion to him into great relief. I see my love now. And my son will get that chance, too; and very soon.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Now that it is over...
*Great sigh of relief*
It is time to be Sayyadina again. TheaterGeek struggled the last two weeks, seeing as Sayyadina was crowding TheaterGeek, itching to get back into action. My house has been a mess since the return from our vacation (which I still need to blog, I know). I have looked over the comparative squalor that I have been forcing my family to live in the past four weeks and felt less than great about it.
And then there was the play. Most of you got to see it. It was very good. And it was not without it's negatives. I felt friction on my soul the last two weeks especially. I hope I learned things...
As I have said, I felt that the play was important: Grand Scheme of Things Important, as a matter of fact. And there was a major part that felt it was not necessarily important for me, but for others.
Once again, I felt a brief hint of living the Law of Consecration. I had talents and understanding, my husband had the patience and passion, my mother had the connections and the space, and our actors had the time and the talent. We gave, and we took and we made something other people were willing to trade dollars for. That's pretty cool. Although, I did not take any of those dollars home for myself. No one will.
So what did I earn in exchange for my time and talents? I have satisfaction that I did something pretty good. I learned what it feels like to be completely disrespected by an actor for reasons I can't fathom. I saw a few people stretch their own abilities past what they originally believed they were capable.
And yet, I feel that the exchange was empty. Then I get the feeling that I have not been "paid" yet. I have not yet seen or received what it was originally intended that I see or receive. That's fine. I can be patient. I'm really much more excited about the upcoming child, anyway. And about going back to my home routine. I truly love taking care of my children, cooking for and caring for my husband, and going to bed on time. I love to make our home a welcome place for all. I have missed it. I knew that on the 30th of October, everything would go back to "normal." I have prepared for it. And in many ways, I folded space to get here sooner.
I'm sort of saying to myself - and to my Father - "Okay, I did it. So what was that all for?" I am just a little curious as to what the long term, Grand Scheme of Things payoff will end up being. Because I am sure I have not seen the sun go down on what this show was intended to do.
But I am ever so sleepy. And there is Trick or Treating tonight. So perhaps I should pull myself together, and draw myself up to be a mother, as I am bound by heaven to be. And my daughter needs a hug. Off I go to be Sayyadina again!!!!!!!!!
It is time to be Sayyadina again. TheaterGeek struggled the last two weeks, seeing as Sayyadina was crowding TheaterGeek, itching to get back into action. My house has been a mess since the return from our vacation (which I still need to blog, I know). I have looked over the comparative squalor that I have been forcing my family to live in the past four weeks and felt less than great about it.
And then there was the play. Most of you got to see it. It was very good. And it was not without it's negatives. I felt friction on my soul the last two weeks especially. I hope I learned things...
As I have said, I felt that the play was important: Grand Scheme of Things Important, as a matter of fact. And there was a major part that felt it was not necessarily important for me, but for others.
Once again, I felt a brief hint of living the Law of Consecration. I had talents and understanding, my husband had the patience and passion, my mother had the connections and the space, and our actors had the time and the talent. We gave, and we took and we made something other people were willing to trade dollars for. That's pretty cool. Although, I did not take any of those dollars home for myself. No one will.
So what did I earn in exchange for my time and talents? I have satisfaction that I did something pretty good. I learned what it feels like to be completely disrespected by an actor for reasons I can't fathom. I saw a few people stretch their own abilities past what they originally believed they were capable.
And yet, I feel that the exchange was empty. Then I get the feeling that I have not been "paid" yet. I have not yet seen or received what it was originally intended that I see or receive. That's fine. I can be patient. I'm really much more excited about the upcoming child, anyway. And about going back to my home routine. I truly love taking care of my children, cooking for and caring for my husband, and going to bed on time. I love to make our home a welcome place for all. I have missed it. I knew that on the 30th of October, everything would go back to "normal." I have prepared for it. And in many ways, I folded space to get here sooner.
I'm sort of saying to myself - and to my Father - "Okay, I did it. So what was that all for?" I am just a little curious as to what the long term, Grand Scheme of Things payoff will end up being. Because I am sure I have not seen the sun go down on what this show was intended to do.
But I am ever so sleepy. And there is Trick or Treating tonight. So perhaps I should pull myself together, and draw myself up to be a mother, as I am bound by heaven to be. And my daughter needs a hug. Off I go to be Sayyadina again!!!!!!!!!
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