"I fear the unknown, Lord."
"But I don't fear it. Tell me why!"
He stared at his God Emperor, mind racing.
"It is because of all your memories."
"Yes?"
"You see everything that we know . . . all of it as it once was: unknown! A surprise to you . . . a surprise must be merely something new for you to know?"
- a conversation between God Emperor Leto II and his majordomo, Moneo.
How many of us fear the unknowns under any name:
The future
The feelings of another person
Grades
Whether Applause or Criticism will follow an act
Failing
Succeeding
Responsibility
Children
Never having children
Marriage
Never marrying
Retirement
Economy turns
Spiritual blinders and what lays beyond them
Death
In my earlier days riddled with Depression and Anxiety, I disliked going to bed on a day because I already knew what THIS day had been like. The next day was a terrifying mystery. I did not recognize that hidden in that fear was a truth: Anything is possible.
This morning after taking out the garbage and shattering my very wonderful red salt shaker, I sat for just a moment and read the above passage from one of my favorite books (which I am reading for the second time). It was as though I had never read it before (although the majority of what I read in these books give me that feeling!)
It reminded me of the night before, though I needed no reminder. I had held my daughter in my arms and without book or t.v. witnessed the gentle passage of my child from this awareness into another. And there for a few precious minutes as she kicked in secret dreams, I was alone with her. I kissed the top of her head and smoothed the hair from her sweaty forehead as I thought to myself: "My daughter! My child!"
And then suddenly the awareness of my seventeen year old self was present and seeing this scene: copper haired beauty resting heavily and sweatily upon my breast smelling faintly of chocolate milk. Her eyes closed with eyelashes resting so gently upon chubby, kissable cheeks.
My seventeen year old self: the self who when asked "What are you going to be?" had answered "Mother" sat in awe of the life she held. Sat in awe of what we had done. All the more acute was this awareness because of the joy surrounding it: the joy my 27 year old self daily took for granted. Oh! There were so many unknowns that I held at bay with anger and fear (or I thought I did). And still this moment had the incredible sheen of purity.
My seventeen year old self put her forehead to her future and present daughter's and cried thinking in her head, "My daughter! My child!" My tears fell onto Rivulet's face. Suddenly She was filled with the hunger to see our son. "My son! My child! My children!" the desire welled inside my head and my heart. I kissed my daughter again - the seventeen year old self sharing each sensation - and carried her kicking with dreams to her bed. We kissed her and turned off her light. Then we hurried to our son.
"Your son wants you." My husband! My love!
We entered our sons room and sat on his bed. "Mom, will you sing two songs to me?"
My seventeen year old self soared with fulfilled joy! "My children like to hear me sing!" (And if any of you know my children, then this moment is all the more special because it is actually quite rare. It was as if Leemur knew that past and present and future were all together in my awareness and was feeding the feeling.)
We kissed him. We laid next to him. We sang him songs of love "Somewhere out There" and a made up tune about a boy going to school.
The experience was intoxicating in the most peaceful way.
I see in it the truth that Moneo was grasping at: All unknowns are merely surprises to be known.
Nothing is to be feared. Nothing needs be feared, especially not the future. When one looks at all space and all things through the lens of HOPE, they will be able to act in FAITH, and enjoy the incredible tsunami of LOVE when their past self meets their current self and says, "Oh! You did it! I did it! Wow."
For each of us, these moments of convergence will follow different events, and will still have in common the "wow" factor.
Perhaps such an awareness will come while in the arms of your spouse, who you have been married to through hardships untold. And in that moment your youthful self will say "Way to go." and your future self will say, "It's worth it. Keep going."
Perhaps after having finally received that very special child through adoption.
Perhaps after earning your college education or your Masters.
It may even be in heart rending moments that your consciousness will climb to it's peak. Yay for those moments if the fruition is awareness!
What I mean to say here is that time is a measurement of space. Unknown is not to be feared, because space is present. Being is eternal. Being is not stagnant. Our brain and our spirits house all these beings - past present and future - and we need only desire to learn from those "memories" to tap into our peace which is in truth our strength.
By doing this, we can live with hope. We can live with grace and wisdom. We can love each moment of our lives - even those that bring the reaction of pain or any other negative in one's emotional or mental arsenal.
In my instance, which is the instance I know the best, I am currently standing on a high peak in my consciousness. In reading "The God Emperor of Dune" for the second time I am reminded what I learned the first time: I have read no other book that better illustrates the Nature and Desire of God than this book. Leto's sacrifices. His love, his desire to help humanity become human. To thrive after he removes his hand.
In the scope of Leto's Golden Path, I see a reflection of God's Plan of Salvation. I then take one step removed and see the scope and path of my own life. How it leads somewhere while never having a beginning or an end.
This recognition was had almost tangibly in the experience with my children last night.
May I reflect this in my actions from now on. May I teach it to my children and love them whether or not they learn it before their late twenties. May I not expect this awareness in others. May I instead hope for all good things to come to those I love in the measurement of space best for them. May I enjoy the journey. May I meet myself again in a dozen more years time and again be able to say to myself with awe and wonder, " Oh! You did it! I did it!"
Whatever "it" may be!!
Performing at the Browning Theater in the Union Station on 25th and Wall in Ogden.
Tickets are $8.00 per person.
Pictures by yours truly.
