I was finally able to listen to the "Building a Mind of Steel" CD set by Kirk Duncan.
It basically talks about what I talked about in the previous post: identifying the endless stream of negative comments being made by a peanut gallery of unseen hecklers and how to keep myself safe from their constant onslaught of crap.
This was the CD set he had suggested to me a few posts ago when he advised "Fix mom first," when I was asking how to help my kids.
Well, so I was listening to it as I drove the kids to school ("I don't want to lose my place," I told them), and they happened to hear a bit of it. The bit about what Kirk calls the "Dot People." As the CD went on, Lemur was listening....and then listening intently. He would look at me every so often as if to ask, "Is this for real?" but never actually said the words.
Then he got out to go to school. I asked him what he thought about it when he came home. He looked directly at me and said, "Fine."
I have mentioned it in passing a bit over the last few days, but did not push further. Mostly I talked of it with Fedaykin when he came to visit (YAY!!).
On the way home from rehearsal I was listening to the CD again and was on step 1: basically doing what I did in the previous post. I was driving but instantly felt a very powerful push and heard, "Do it! Do it now!"
"I'm driving!" I answered out loud.
"It's important, do it NOW!"
Now don't turn me in, because obviously everything is fine, but I pulled out a sheet of paper, turned off the CD for a moment and wrote down the "Top 10 Negative Comments."
I finished writing, set the paper down and rolled down the window to spit out my gum. The paper blew away. I didn't know if it had escaped out the window or what, because I couldn't find it anywhere, even when I searched the car at home.
So I wrote the previous post. Then I found the original list. And holy buckets. I was utterly shocked to see these comments in my handwriting; because not only were they terrible lies, but I could honestly say I'd heard them before....many times.....and some I'd actually started to believe.
Comments as terrible as "You've already lost Rivuleta." "You've already ruined Lemur." "You aren't what Muad'Dib needs." and so forth.
But instead of feeling scared or beaten I felt cleaner. THOSE THOUGHTS AREN'T MINE!!!! They were being fed to me by a bunch of butt-heads, negative spirits ("Dot People") who have nothing better to do then be jerks.
Anyway: then last night I had a dream about Rivuleta. The dream was that I had left Rivuleta somewhere and then saw a man carrying her. She didn't seem to mind, but I knew something was wrong. I cried out and ran after him. My mother - in the dream - said, "Oh he's just like Uncle So&So;it's no big deal." But I was still scared and angry. I finally caught up to the man, took my daughter back and he laughed at me.
"Why did you take her?" I demanded.
"I didn't take her. No one was with her. She came with me."
So then Rivuleta says she has to go to the bathroom. I take her and then say, "Wait here just a minute; I"ll be right back." and take off to yell at the guy some more. I find him in a huge room, people coming in and it felt like he was about to teach them.
I yelled at him; told him he had no right to take my child; how dare he! What was he teaching her?
"I was teaching her to lie," he answered, laughing.
"It was easy; she's so afraid of you that all I had to do was show her she was safer if she just hid and didn't tell the truth."
"I was teaching her that she is worthless. She is easily forgotten and not beautiful. That you are lying when you say she is and when you say you love her."
In the dream I remember being speechless for a moment before ranting again.... When my indignation was at it's peak - and he kept laughing all the time - I finally asked, "This isn't funny! What are you laughing at?!"
"You're here yelling at me for showing attention to your daughter...but where is she now?"
I turned and ran from the room. I realized I was angry and screamed in the annex - I didn't want Rivuleta to see me like that. But I was still angry, so I screamed until I lost my voice in the hallway. I felt better having gotten all of it out. So I went to find her.
After searching and searching, I saw a man who looked remarkably like Grandpa Lee sitting in a wooden chair, leaning back on two legs, "Looking for something?" he asked.
"My daughter. Have you seen her?"
"Do you mean that beautiful, sprightly thing that prances when other people would walk?"
"You haven't lost her, I've been keeping an eye out. Turn around."
And there she was. Through the rest of the dream we held hands and I could feel her aging. She aged to college right through the dream, always with her hand in mine. Until she told me to let go.
Well, then there's this:
Lemur comes to me tonight before bed and says, "I forgot to tell you my dream last night. There were Dot People all around, screaming at me lots of horrible stuff that might be true but I knew wasn't true and then there was a guy. His name was Confidence. He got them all to back off. He told me great things about myself and taught me how to shoot an arrow through the middle of another arrow. He wasn't a Dot Person."
"Sounds like you've got yourself a Guardian, Lemur. That's great!! What's his name?"
"I told you his name. It's Confidence. It's the name he picked so I would know who he was."
To many of my readers, this particular post will mean next to nothing, and for that I apologize only that you don't know Kirk and therefore can't share in the relief I feel knowing how to better raise and protect my children - and myself.
But there are also a few of you who totally get what I'm talking about. And that's why I shared it.