Sunday, June 13, 2010

I'd like you to meet a less encumbered me.

I happened upon an old friend yesterday, and while driving away from them I pondered how much I had changed.

Muad'Dib and I have a humorous habit of yelling out "Who ARE you?!" whenever one or the other of us does/says something surprising. Just this afternoon, I stuffed my face with a monstrous salad, using only a tablespoon of dressing to enhance the lettuce. And I loved every last bite.

This is only shocking for people like Muad'Dib who have known that I was no friend to salad (except the pasta variety) since my birth. And now, I love it. This is a very small and trite example of my change.

I look over my life and see basic SELF that might shift or bend and twist, though it is this SELF that basically remains the same. It is SELF. Then there are bits, pieces and habits that change drastically and totally.

What causes these changes? "Need for survival," comes the intuitive answer. Nearly all of my lasting changes were wrought from the emotional need to adapt or perish (figuratively or literally). I use the caveat "nearly" because though I cannot call to mind a single instance when this was not true, I cannot shut out the possibility that one change sometime was different. Other changes were fueled by desire alone, and I can't think of a single on of those that was permanent.

I'm trying to figure myself out. It's what I do. It's what has become the purpose of this blog. I am searching for the SELF in Sayyadina. Most of you were aware of my burst of knowledge when I figured out that my SELF existed before theater, and therefore could exist fully even in the absence of theater.

Now I desire to learn what causes my SELF to change.
Last year I went through a MAJOR down turn in the cycle my SELF follows naturally. It was during that time that "This too shall pass" was clearly illustrated. I shed some defensive armor. I was able to frame hope into a workable idea for my depression-able mind. So in that way: yay for last year.

I'm now wondering - after seeing this old friend - if even while gaining some knowledge and application, I also lost. I am a little more judgemental of certain behaviors. Little. Who are we kidding. A LOT more judgemental of certain behaviors. Which is ridiculous considering my penchant for hypocrisy. I love people through those behaviors, but I judge them first.

So, as I continue on my journey toward what I hope is perfection, I'm concerned that even if I'm getting smarter, I might becoming more stupid.

And if anyone says "Well, opposition in all things," I will scream.

This is a possibility for a tangent. I will control myself.

The purpose of this blog entry was to say - again - for those who haven't seemed to hear me: I have changed. If that change hurt someone else, I am sorry for the pain my change caused. I'm not sorry I changed, because I pretty well like who I am now. I did not set out to change, to abandon, to disappear, to become disinterested, or to give up. I set out to do one thing that had nothing to do with anyone else except me. I didn't even accomplish the one thing. So stop looking for that person you knew last year. She's not here anymore. If you want to be friends with this Sayyadina, be my guest, but don't go looking for the old one somewhere behind my eyes. She is gone. Because although I did not accomplish the one thing, I accomplished some other things instead:

I let Anger (for anger's sake) go. I discovered within myself the difference between "sensation" and "emotion." I learned that I have an "off-button" for use in emotional situations. I have grasped the possibility that my help may not always be helpful and it's okay to let other people do for themselves. Most importantly: I have greater patience with my children and I see my husband's love everywhere I look instead of just where I look for it.

I don't know how I existed before; caught in the rampaging anger, impatience and victimization that I used to be: but thankfully, that is gone now.

I cannot be - nor do I want to be - that woman ever again. I am happier this way. And as far as I can tell, so is Muad'Dib.

So while I enjoy foods I used to hate: tomatoes, green peppers, rice, and salad; enjoy past-times I used to loathe: gardening, being alone, cleaning, and mowing the lawn; and while I see love everywhere when I used to ignore it in all it's forms: I will laugh and sigh as those who care to become reacquainted with my SELF, absent of those bits of useless armor which I shed as I grew.