I desire a smooth surface for reflective purposes

Over the years, people have said things to me.  Most of these things have been said in passing.  Perhaps it was the glancing nature of the blow that gave them staying power. Like the scar you have to really think about to remember where it came from.  And from examination of these few comments I've become curious.

Because, as it is apparent from my blog, I can say things to myself all day long and have it mean almost nothing.  But these particular observations from others have proven themselves true and in some cases changed my life.  I will share:

Ms. Runnerpants said the animal I most reminded her of was a Mama Bear.  I didn't agree and was in fact a little offended.  Until a few months later when some people challenged the intelligence of my son, and I saw just what she was talking about.  Since then I have recognized the ability and in fact the tendency to be everyone's Mama Bear. 

Cowboy Bob once said "You have a great capacity  to love.  I'd like to see you use it one day."  Ouch, right?  Not really.  Turns out he was completely correct, and I just didn't understand love.  It goes along with a talk I heard once when I was 15:  "Fight fire with love."  I didn't understand that concept either.  And it took almost three years after Cowboy Bob made his observation before I was able to utilize the truth it containted.

Muad'Dib used to say "If you were sorry, you would stop/change."  This was often in response to my offering an "I'm sorry" after an emotional or financial misstep.  When I first told my mom that Muad'Dib said this, she was furious.  Other people have reacted the same way.  I guess that's why I am Muad'Dib's wife (and love every minute of it): because this sort of thing is/was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. 

My mother once said that I was not messed up or moody.  I was "Passionate."  That word has really given me a root.  That and the day she defined "Romantic" for me.  As in the Anne of Green Gables romantic:  seeing beauty everywhere; rose-colored glasses, if you will.  I AM passionate, and at heart, in my secret soul I am also romantic.

My father, when giving a talk the night I received my Young Womanhood award said, "With Sayyadina, I can sleep when the wind blows."  I was eighteen, but that statement made a deep and lasting impression.  He was speaking of trust.  Trust in me!  I didn't know that trust would be an issue with me as I got older, and that knowing I had it from my father would sometimes mean very, very much.

These are just a few examples.  There are more.  Advice, observations - even critisisms that hit their mark, and with time have made a real difference in my life. 

Now, I've thought about doing this for quite a while, and I'm going to do it.  I wonder if there is anyone out there who has something to say to me.  Something you wish I knew.  An observation about me, my mothering, whatever.  Positive or negative.  I do not promise that I will like it, but I am asking that you trust me enough to share it.  So that I may find what truth there is from my friends.

In the past 6 months, I have spent literally days in a row where I have not looked at myself in a mirror more than a passing glance.  Then on a day when I DO finally face myself in a mirror, it is hard to wrap my brain around what I see reflected, because it is not the truth I was functioning under. In some instances I am right.  In others, the mirror is right.  I am searching for this clarity and reflection for my inner self.  Anyone willing to help me out?  It would be greatly appreciated. 

I just thought I'd finally put it out there.  That is all.  Thanks.

Jack Out of the Box

It has happened.  My sister has had a baby.  It's surreal.  Uh, I'll just tell the story:

AJ got the idea to make this brilliantly clever shirt just two days before she was set to have her baby.

 She and Scott had done numerous polls on his blog to choose the baby's name, and finally settled on Jack for three reasons: 1.  Jack Sparrow, 2.  Jack Skellington, and 3.  Jack Stevens (our grandfather; I'm guessing you know the other two.)  It was pretty funny. 

And Brogurt liked standing on his cousin. 

 Things were not progressing quite as naturally as one would like, so a week past AJ's due date, she checked into the hospital where they started her on drugs to hopefully induce labor.  Here she is at the beginning of the 12 hour process:  high spirited!

She had her iPod going with carefully chosen birthing songs, to which she sang between pushes.

 Then, at 9:38pm, Jack was born!  8lbs 13oz 21 inches long.  Look at all that hair!

I got to go in an see her just minutes after he was born.  It was incredible....

He was SO aware; eyes open, looking around and ready for bear...

 And looking a LOT like his big sister.

Hello, Jack!  It is I, your Auntie.....

(That's what AJ has always said to my kids.  It was so cool to get to say it to hers.)

And Proud Papa...

The Bredthauer Four.

  First family picture, the next day.  Lucy was just so excited to see Ariane. 

As I hear the story, when they called to check on her during labor she yelled into the phone,

"Baby Jack, come out so I can play with my Mom!" 

Ready or not, the day has come.

Ah yes, that time has come.  The time when the days get shorter and a little colder.  The time when leaves begin to think about falling.  The time when all little children go to school. 

Whether a Sayyadina is ready or not. 

My kids and I experienced a miracle, and they were pulled - months apart - in the lottery for the Montessori Academy in our area.  During our school travails last year, Muad' Dib and I had read a few books on home schooling and the Montessori Method.  We felt strongly that it would be an awesome fit for our children; particularly for Lemur.  And today he began.  Below are the pictures to mark the occasion.  This one really shows off my sweet son.  How can he be this old . . .?

Oh, and my Rivulet - my baby girl - began kindergarten.  Not only did she begin, she pranced jauntily into school sporting her "Ratatouille" backpack this morning without backward glance, only throwing a few words over her shoulder: "Love you too, Mom!"  Other children were crying, but there were no tears from my Squeaky Jean.  Her hair is in "dog ears."  She just wanted to be sure everyone knew they were not pig tails.

 Awwwww.  Together. 

 They had a fabulous first day, thank you for asking.  They both liked their teachers and found the other students to be kind.  They enjoyed the classroom setup and the fact that they had no homework, happy to have their own cubby or locker.  And Lemur has kept up on his reading all summer long, now being 3/4 of the way through the first book in The 13th Reality series (a 5th grade or above reading level).  And this from a boy whose teachers last year said he couldn't focus.  Bah.  Rivulet and Lemur are both entirely gung-ho about the whole thing.  I can't wait to see what happens next!

And, to assuage the stress and heartache a mother feels sending her babies into the world, at least I still have this at home to keep me company:

My great big serving of cultured Brogurt. 

And warm memories of moments like this.  I sure love my children!!!!!!!!

Searching for perspective in the dark, with a flashlight and both hands...

Today I expressed envy for a person who was able to go to a vocal lesson.  Yesterday I yearned aloud to play a particular role again.  Last week I lamented that I hadn't sung out loud - full voice - in months. 
Today someone told me that I am still young.  They told me that they did their best work after 33.  They told me I would have more chances. And I had to leave the room before they saw my tears....

I'm having a pretty big feeling. And when that happens, I tend to leak the feelings.  These leakages look like tears.  But Rivulet knows better.  She knows they are feelings that were too big for my insides. 

There are parts of me that just feel old.  They feel done.  I fear that I will never again sing full voice, let alone full voice on a stage.  And something inside of me paces like a caged animal: longing with creative blood lust to be let out.  I wish there was a way to satisfy both Sayyadina AND this inner animal, which is my voice.  I can't even sing in the car.  What's really silly is that I sang full voice just this past February.  I was pretty pregnant, and still totally ROCKED songs from "The Phantom of the Opera" to a room full of financial advisers who clamoured for more.

Yet...perhaps it is because with the birth of my wonderful and beloved son, I have added at least a two year and much more likely a four year wait onto a theatrical endeavor.  That would put me auditioning for roles at the age of 34. 

The fear inside me opens it's mouth wide and roars "Who will want you then?!  What good will you be?!  How could you compare or compete with the younger, thinner women who will vie for the same parts in the same theaters?!"  And my strength cowers under this barrage of doubt. 

Being as overweight as I am, I feel like a thief.  I steal playtime from my children, because I'm too tired or uncomfortable to play.  I steal a view from my husband, because I barely physically resemble the woman he married.  I steal years from my life by pushing my body beyond healthy limits.  And I rob myself of opportunities. 

People ask friends to join marathons.  They do not ask me.  People plan hikes.  They do not ask me.  People plan trips to water-parks and swimming pools and do not ask me.   People audition for plays, and no one even thinks of me anymore.  Although logic tells me the real reason is that they know I am anxiously engaged in raising my three incredible and well loved children, raw emotion finds another culprit.

When Brogurt was born, my doctor said to wait 3 months before beginning to exercise - at least anything beyond light housework or light yoga.  So I have tried to keep weight far from my mind.  Just be.  Enjoy.  Worry about it when I can do something about it, and not until then.

But it hurts NOW.  Shouldn't I worry about it when I feel it?  Last year was glorious because I was either succeeding on a diet or pregnant.  The weight worry was minimal.  But it has returned.  And I don't like it one little bit. 

I balance on the edge of a dangerous precipice: if I don't think about it, I remain complacent.  But over the years, thinking about it hasn't helped the situation either.  I cannot win. 

I have learned.  I would not trade the learning for all the world.  Perhaps now my faith is again wrestling with my fear.  Faith says that when I have learned all there is for me to learn, I will graduate, meaning leave that school of thought for another (in this metaphor, be able to lose weight). Fear says that this is all there is and I'd better get used to it.  It is from this stem that blooms the flower which now fragrances my soul with loss. 

Because if this is all I will ever be physically, I can only go downhill.  I will only get older and less capable of hauling this weight about.  I will only slow down, become more uncomfortable and less attractive.  I will only...

This is TheaterGeek talking.  This is the part of me that wants to stay in bed and cry when there is nothing wrong.  This is the me that is dying to express itself and feels stunted and stuffed into silence by either the inability to physically or creatively function or the time constraints motherhood places upon these endeavors:  such as with theater or writing.  My homemaker mothering self is thriving.  But my creative processes are another story.  And I am at a loss to fix it. 

Just survive, right?

Then someone had better tell me how to duct tape TheaterGeek and her chorus of doubting nay-sayers until the day arrives that I can edit, write, play, sing or teach. Full voice.  Somehow the half attempts hurt more than not doing anything at all.....

As we speak, I am sucking back tears, trying not to think the thoughts that are very powerfully muscling their way to the forefront of my mommy-centric mind. 

For tonight I have no solution.  And I just needed to write it.  I needed to remember that at age 30, and with the birth of a new child, I felt my days of creative sharing were over; thinking that no one would want to hear from me either by way of the written, spoken or sung word.  Because someday it's going to be REALLY funny that I ever believed it enough to write it down..... 

Yeah. I will laugh about this someday.  Probably someday soon.  Maybe even now. :)

This is what I do

The last time we saw the family, a new addition had arrived.  The following is a pictorial update from the Seitch.  The first is Brogurt smiling at light, which is his favorite waking pasttime.

Next you see here, Lemur attempting to encourage Brogurt through his "neck-ups."

And his efforts come to fruition.  At three weeks old.  He's my strong little sandworm!

Also, Lemur was baptised.  It was a hectic, crazy, beautiful experience.  He was a brave little man and made the choice on his own.  Muad'Dib sang a prepared song, and I sang an impromptu duet with my dad while they changed clothes.

It was wonderful to be surrounded by so many supporting family members.  I wish we'd not been in such a rush, so I could have taken more pictures.   But Rivulet had the flue, and we were anxious to get back to her. (Thanks to Uncle Scott for watching her!)

Here, we were lucky enough to be joined by my Uncle and Grandma for the special occasion!

 Lemur poses with little brother.  He is so proud to be the "big one." 

Here is Rivulet cuddling the Brogue at 6 weeks of age.  She loves him more and more, as he becomes more fun...

And Lemur is proud that he can hold Brogurt up on his shoulder.

How do I make such good looking babies?!

Though he has an intense case of cradle cap, his baby acne is finally clearing up, to be replaced by heat rash, apparently.  He's still so handsome!

And of course, there has been some playtime with the older siblings, though it might only last a few minutes.  On this occasion, Rivulet and I made a picture of a little boy, and little girl and their dog under a blue sky with a red bird and dragonfly.  Can you see all that?  Blockus has many uses.  :)

Muad'Dib and I also had a chance to shoot photos for a wedding (I'll post a few later) and I was able to do some headshots for a friend.  It was fun to be behind the lens again, if only for an hour...

So that's the update.

All is well. I need to do a LOT of work in the yard, but as yet have not been able to get the bairn to nap for more than twenty minutes if I'm not holding him.  No complaints, though.  I'd much rather cuddle my baby than prune bushes and weed beds. 

Oh!  Funny story:  Yesterday I took the kids to a park with a friend.  We were having a lovely time, and began packing up to leave when I heard a scream:  "No! NO!!! Not in the water!  Someone HELP!" 

My first fear was that a child had fallen in the swollen stream.  It was Lemur screaming and I soon discovered the lost item was not a person: it was his beloved Donkey Kong Truck; the one he'd recieved for his 6th birthday and played with nearly every sunny day since we've lived here. 

I knew how much the truck meant to him, as we had discussed it's uses and significance just a few hours ago on the ride over.  So I tossed down my diaper bag (with phone), sprinted across the bridge and asked where the car was.  He told me where it had fallen, and that it had bounced a little further down before he had lost sight of it in the murkey waters.

I remembered this stream.  We'd played here many times in the last six years.  I knew how deep the water was.... I was wearing my water-proof hiking sandals.  So only moments after the scream, I was wading into the stream supported by a large branch for a walking stick. 

Not two steps in, the creek bed gave way and I fell in UP TO MY NECK!! 

The recent flooding had not left this stream unscathed: apparently it had torn away at the floor of the stream, making a very deep pool where once I could have walked from one side to the other without getting my pants wet above the knee!!

Well, I recovered my balance in the deep and swift water and could barely breathe enough to warn other kids NOT to venture in to help me search.  Luckily, the chattering of my teeth was all the warning they needed.  I combed the murky depths, but to no avail. 

The kids even thought they saw something, but it turned out to be a red golf ball lodged in the shallows of a large rock.  So the truck was gone.

Did I mention that there was a group setting up for a wedding at the park and that they were witness to my crazy venture into a flooded stream to save a TOY?!  Yeah...

Though it was a very Sayyadina thing to do - going willy nilly into water -

I felt awful foolish...

Until I came out to embrace my crying 8 year old and through his tears he said, "Mom, I'm so grateful that you tried.  I'll never forget that you tried.  I'll never forget that you went into the water for me."

Hey.  I'm the mom. This is what I do...

Welcome to the Family!

This was me, April 11, 2011 in Gardner Village where we were celebrating Lemur's birthday almost a whole month before my due date...

Pretty gorgeous, though, right?

May 2, 2011:  I check in to Labor & Delivery at 7am, for a planned 9am C-section. 

 I had a fantastic nurse who checked me in and gathered my medical history.  When I got to the  part where I was whisked to the ER just hours after being discharged (after Lemur was born). She stopped me:

"Was this like 8 years ago?!" 

 "Yes..." I answered, "Why?"

"I was the nurse!  I remember you!"

As it turned out, this was the nurse who cared enough to notice danger signs and took the steps that saved my life when my doctors had simply said, "It'll go away."  She even told me that the ER called up after taking care of me and let her know that she had well saved my life. 

It was wonderful to get the chance to thank her. 

Finally: it was time for baby to be born. 

Muad'Dib and I were taken into the OR, and the docs were playing a Susan Boyle CD as I received my epidural from the same doc who had done my last one.  He remembered us for two reasons: 

1) Muad'Dib's camera; apparently they'd had a conversation about it the last time... and

2) "It's not every woman that giggles during an epidural." 

Well, I didn't giggle this time! Anyway,

My wonderful Doc and his assistant set to work and in no time at all, I heard an exclamation:

"How big IS this kid?!"

The answer?

  HUGE.

This picture does not lie: 

10lbs 13 oz.  21.5 inches long.

Opening his eyes just 10 minutes old...

Proud Papa in Recovery.

Rivulet wasn't too keen on time in the hospital.  Lemur took to it just fine:  he was so excited to see his new brother. Rivulet was more concerned about me.  She showed almost no interest in the baby until well after we got home. 

Now a family of five!!!

So:  Here is the Brogurt at home.  Note the cute bassinet and monkey from Aunt Kira, the constant friendship of his very own N+ doll, and the awesome blanket from Aunt Taunya.  When she gave it to us for Lemur's birth I wondered what I would use it for, as it was too thin for a quilt but too big for a receiving blanket...turns out it is the ONLY blanket thin and big enough to swaddle our 11lb bundle of love!  Thanks, T.  :)

It's been three weeks since this handsome boy joined our family.  What have we been up to?  The following pictures sum it up quite nicely. 



We have been well taken care of.  Not only did Muad'Dib exhibit super-human, super-husband, super-father powers in taking care of house, kids, cars and wife, but our ward fed us and came bearing gifts nearly every day.  We had neighbors take our kids for playdates and family members come sit with me while I rode the crazy post-partum roller coaster (known as "The Panic"). 

It was the right time.  I cannot put in to adequate words how incredible this experience has been so far; for all of us.  We all love Brogurt, and he seems to like each of us right back.  He could hold his head up within the first few hours of life, and sleeps/eats at regular intervals. 

As I continue to wait out the crazies (though they are already diminishing), I take comfort in knowing that every moment of every day with my new baby is an answer to prayer.  

Thank you to everyone who has helped us, given us support or gifts, offered prayers, or used your good judgement to keep your germs from us for a short time.  I feel your love in all its forms.  We'll keep you posted! 

Timing

Sometimes I give myself good advice.  It has really paid off to "be now."  Granted, the kids - especially Rivulet - have run me ragged with play-dates, but Muad'Dib will attest that I have been maybe 15% as cranky with situations as I was before applying my mind over my mood.

Since the last post I've been beset by painful contractions.  They haven't done anything, however, except cause lots of pain and fire up false "this is it!" hope.  Because even 3 hours of timeable painful contractions were, in essence, nothing.  My doc gave me something to ease the pain just enough so I could get sleep.  And that has been helpful. 

At first I was horribly disappointed that I wasn't going to have another "early" birth.  But then our fridge began it's swan song.  We needed to get rid of one car that was no longer working and another that wasn't large enough for our soon to be larger family.  Oh, and Lemur was about to have his huge birthday party, and I hadn't washed the new baby's clothes yet;  I didn't yet have a bassinet...long list short:  it turns out I wasn't as ready as I thought.  Yesterday was a perfect example.

I had a very good night's sleep and went to my parents' house for the sole purpose of hanging out and letting Rivulet play with her little cousin, Goosey.  I went down to say "hello" to my father and he asked if I could do this one business related thing for him: sending out copies of his renewed licenses.  It's not that hard of a job - just time consuming, so I said yes.  About two minutes into preparing the faxes I wondered to myself "When is my license meant to renew?"  I called the Utah Insurance Department and asked.  It was meant to renew in 2 days.  And I was still 6 CE credit hours short of the manditory 24.  Yikes.   For those who don't know a snit about this world: if I let my license lapse - even though I'm not a producing agent - I would take a significant pay cut.  To get the license again, I'd have to go through ALL the studying and test taking AGAIN, which would be costly, and not only in time (hours upon hours) but also in money (the test alone, last time I took it, was over $100...and I had to take it twice to pass!)

So.  After doing the work for my employer/Dad, I came home and completed the necessary CE credits online and applied for my renewal.  Now, had I had an "early birth" like I wanted, nearly two weeks ago, this would not have gotten done.  I possbily wouldn't have even KNOWN that it hadn't gotten done.

I'll tell you what: Timing seems to be the theme of this pregnancy.  With Lemur it was very much about learning where my limits were - especially as related to family.  With Rivulet, I was meant to learn that "panic makes it worse."  And with this one it's all in the timing.  I got pregnant at exactly the right time to be well and/or sick at managable moments.  And today - actually the last two weeks - are testimony that I will not give birth until "the stars have alligned," or in other words: when the time is ABSOLUTLY right.  Awesome.  Super Awesome.