Sunday, January 6, 2013

Open spaces

Remember 2 posts ago when I mentioned that I had cleared empty spaces in my mind and were afraid of those spaces?

Yesterday I took down and put away all vestiges of Christmas. It had been a good Christmas. Then I moved the furniture around a little bit to return the house to the way it had been before Thanksgiving.

Then I got tired and didn't bring the computer desk/office area upstairs. Muad'Dib found me sitting in the recliner and said, "I kind of like it like this. It's open..."

"Yeah, but what should we put here?" I asked.

He seemed puzzled, "Why do we have to put anything here?"

WHAT?! The idea never occured to me, let alone what he said next, "It could just be open space. Like play space."


So it's been a day and a half and that space in my living room is still {I almost said empty} open.  It is open. 

It feels weird, just as the cleaner spaces in my mind, heart and soul feel weird.  And I am remembering how long it took me to get over a similar revelation over 11 years ago. 

See, I deeply believed I was unloveable.  I don't believe that now.  But there were those years - between the revelation that I was loveable and my accepting it, followed by the time it took me to believe it and then LIVE like I believed it - where I had to grapple for a feeling of security every lucid moment of the day.

Holy crap, I fear I may be about to go through that again.  Because I done cleared out a whole mess of space.  Already it is easier to tell the truth, and harder to eat garbage.  There are still habits that say, "Eat it before anyone catches you!" but the belief system of self punishment and shame is for all intents and purposes gone. 

So not only do I find myself in need of maintenence on one front, but also of retraining on another. 

Yet I smile to know that I'd rather be in this place than the place I was even three months ago. 

*sigh*  I do love to be productive.  I will now produce a comfortable feeling when looking at those newly opened spaces in my self.  And instead of filling them again, I will simply downsize.  I have much less to carry now; I don't need such a big container.