Well, that didn't take long.
How unfortunate that one day I can think great thoughts even long enough to write them - infused with joy and wonder and self-praise - and then not three days later feel utterly and completely like - ... wait.
Okay. Thoughts - -> Emotion. Emotion --> Action. Action = Results.
If I am feeling terrible and making terrible choices, then I must be thinking terrible thoughts. What thoughts have accosted my mind and now hold it hostage?
Ah....they ALL relate to the new play I'm directing. I seem to recall that each time I undertake direction of a play, I have a time of doubt. Now, this time is a little different because I have more evidence to base them on.... HEY!
Does that give the thoughts the right to take over?!
I'm going to build my mind of steel beginning with identifying the negative comments:
* You can't do this.
* You aren't respected.
* You are too intense.
* You are alone.
* No one will respect you because you are fat.
* You are abandoning your children.
* You don't keep a clean house.
* You are going to fail.
* Everyone will remember your failure.
* You will ruin the theater.
And now, as Kirk suggests, I will combat them with the perfect opposite AND an extra positive, just to be sure my brain get's the picture:
1. I CAN do this AND I have a good vision for the play.
2. I can earn respect AND am worthy of respect.
3. I am intense enough to lead AND I am a good leader.
4. I have a solid support system AND I am well loved.
5. I am awesome regardless of my size AND I sparkle.
6. My children know I love them AND they love their Dad-time.
7. I keep a clean house AND I make home a welcome place for my family.
8. I will succeed with flying colors AND I will have fun.
9. I will remember my stint as director of The Importance of Being Earnest as a time of personal strength and grace AND I will laugh a lot.
10. I will add to the startup success of the theater AND set a good precedent for the future.
Now I just need to declare these declarations about 20 more times before rehearsal tonight.
All my past evidence proves that I will direct actors; 80% will like me and the way I direct, 5% won't care and 15% will have a pretty strong aversion to me.
All my past evidence proves that I will direct to performance; The audience will respond positively. The producers will appreciate my work and my view.
I can do this. I have done it. I've done it half a dozen times, all with great success. So what am I going to do?
Remove flaxen chords. Say my new directly-combative positive declarations. And go do the work.
And if I hit a wall - I think that's happening right now - and it becomes impossible to go forward, I must go vertical.
To quote: "Move forward....hit a wall....let go of emotion....Go Vertical....next level. OR Move forward....hit a wall....take steps backwards and stand there in the emotion that came up and let it take you over. You choose.
Hint: The emotion was already inside before you hit the wall. The obstacle is not the wall....it is the emotion that you don't want to let go of that keeps you heavy and hurting inside. Let it go....lighten your load."
Makes me cry every time I read it. "Sayyadina, lighten your load....it feels better. :)"
I'm going to go do some jumping jacks. I have a feeling it will help.