Today I am a credit to my Life Coach(s).
I recently decided to Assistant Direct The Sound of Music at the Playhouse with my mother as the director. We have had three rehearsals. One was bad, one was great and then tonight I sat at a music rehearsal with growing anger.
For anyone who doesn't know, Anger is my Thug. He is also my default negative emotion. I have always believed that anger is more "powerful" than other negative emotions, and therefore puts me in a higher position than I would be, say, cowering with guilt or shame. Just be angry.
So after realizing that I was not needed at this rehearsal, I packed up my daughter, anger still growing, and began the fifteen minute drive home.
And here is where I become a credit to my Coaches. While driving, I realized that I was angry. Instead of letting myself get swept up in the familiar rush of my chosen emotional drug, I calmed myself with breathing and tried to figure out what my anger was hiding. In my mind was the image of cutting through layers and layers of protective muscle to get to the spine of the reaction.
There I found guilt. Guilt for leaving my husband and son at home while I sat, unneeded at a rehearsal. Guilt for dragging my daughter to the theater against her will to sit unneeded at a rehearsal. Guilt for trying to distract my children from me so that I can concentrate on something that I have deemed to be more important than them. Guilt that I would have many nights over the next two months where my husband would come home to an empty apartment with no dinner. Guilt that I CHOSE this, knowingly, over my family. Guilt that I KNEW what made me happy, and I was continuing to NOT choose it.
Home brings me peace. Taking care of my home and my family brings me full joy (not always happiness, not always calm, but truly joy). Having focus on my children, my husband, my home, and myself brings me PEACE.
And I was ashamed that I was choosing to give that up in favor of a play. AGAIN.
Anyone remember my posts from Secret Garden? Anything positive there? Nope. I'd like to say that there was. After the show, I realized that I had created that experience to teach myself that I am most at peace when I am devoted to my current Soul Purpose: wife and motherhood. And although I LEARNED the lesson, I was choosing not to APPLY the lesson.
"Wisdom is doing." So tonight, I am exercising my WISDOM. Because I am no longer interested in learning this lesson. I no longer need to repeat this grade. I have graduated from my previous cycle.
Life Coaches: thank you for teaching me the tools that tonight allowed me to break free from my destructive and repetitive pattern. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, so that I could recognize my own defenses and cut through them.
And to everyone who has been on the receiving end of my yuck during one of these lessons: I'm sorry. And thank you for being a part of my life lessons. I have no doubt that sometimes it has not been fun to be around me. Things are looking up: because I am growing. Up.