Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I have creative blockage.

It's not as gross as it sounds, but still. While being Zoned by Wildbound on Sunday, this blockage presented itself in my feet. Or rather, in the right side of my brain, and was echoed in the correlating spot on my feet.

When the little devil was first found (painfully, I might add) and Wildbound announced that it was in my brain, I assumed it was in my less used Left Brain. To hear that the blockage was on the creative side of my brain gave me a moment's pause.

And then the Spirit echoed truth to me. Truth I have been told many times before: "Write."

But . . .

Okay, while not considering myself to be the worlds worst author, I have difficulty deciding what I could possibly write that could be worth the price of a book to anyone. Wow. Just voicing the fear that I have harbored inside: I can see how wrong and self-deprecating it is. Am I not marvelous? Sure, my writing has it's flaws. Consistency of tone, for example, and it's still better than many of the books I find in print nowadays.

I have a feeling that right this very moment is the time that I can recognize the falsity of my thinking. I am spiritually encouraged to lay them all out so that I may identify them, purge them and hopefully move forward instead of chasing my proverbial tale (pun intended). This should be fun.

Q: What do I know well enough to write of it?

A: A better question is to ask what I don't know and stay away from that. Or research it until I have a working knowledge. I suddenly recognize that this particular question is rooted in my old behavior. You know the one: mopey, self-analysing, "there-is-more-to-say-for-being-sad," me. Or - more accurately - the teen that didn't realize she was happy, so didn't feel that she could write happiness or romance. Hm. This question, with age, has also become a weak reason for not writing.

Q: What do I write about? What story should I focus on? Which one will get me published?

A: As Muad'Dib pointed out while we both read through Frank Herbert's first go at "Duneworld," my first book doesn't have to be my best book. Perhaps I should look at this venture more as "Creative Flushing" rather than "my entire life thrives or dives on the success of my first attempt."

I have many stories. Three in particular. Four if you count the one I told Wildbound I wanted to write and then once I had permission became terrified of doing it wrong, so never got past the character introduction. Wow. Not sure I meant to admit to that.

Well: there it is. So. Moving on.

"Talking" this out makes something apparent to me: My Tobie story is my big work. It is the one that is most important to me. It is my literary baby. I can feel the message of her "life" pumping through my body as pure emotion. I'm not even sure yet what that message is, but I instinctively know that it's big. She's the character I could see having more than one book, more than one adventure, teaching myriads of lessons as we watch her go. And it's quite possible that I get caught up in that storm and instead of mastering the waves, allow myself to be tossed about until I'm seasick with the creative intention! That's quite the image, isn't it.

I know that her story isn't going to be perfect for a long time; like I said, it's big. So it seems to me - and I'm seriously discovering this as I go - that I should not be "keeping myself" for this story alone. I should recognize that I have more stories that can also be written. My body is telling me that I need some Creative Flushing. And all in all, it doesn't matter if it's her stuff or not. I can write other things and not feel guilty for "neglecting" that particular story or character. I don't even have to write in chronological order! I can't piece it back together later. Wow.

All this creative freedom is making me light headed.

Given this licence, I also feel that the other characters I have will need their day too. It wouldn't do me good to let them die off. They have become living beings in my very own Mythago Wood, and I will wrestle them onto paper one day.

Until I become this creative Rulon Gardner, the lesson I was taught many times over the past few years, and finally learned today is this:

Even though I cannot yet capture my creative dragons, I can enjoy my creative fireflies: the light may be smaller and less consuming, but it will purify me just the same.

So . . . Wish me luck! There is about to be an outpouring of creative light courtesy of my previously blocked Right Brain! Thanks for the Zoning, Wildbound!


Fedaykin said...

More fiber. Helps the blockages. Further more, it seems odd to me that when sitting in counsel in our mind, we leave two seats open for fear and doubt. The board room really doesn't have room for sniveling "no"-men. Time to huck'em out the window into the burning sunlight. I anxiously await manuscripts. Thanks for posting something today, I was hoping to read something good. Oh, and last night I dreamed we all went to mountain road ranch. It was nestled in the foothills of Malan's peak, and actually was Weber's stadium but with 100 rooms and a roof, and 2 basketball courts! There were like 300 people there and we had rocket packs. Are there rocket packs?

WildBound said...

:) You're welcome. I'll add this to my slowly growing collection of interesting things that happen through zoning...

DreamPacker said...

Interesting! Enjoy your creative posts! Check out Julia Cameron's "The ARtist's Way". One of the best practical guides for tapping into the creative mode. I am breathlessly waiting for more of "Tobie".

Desertbound said...

Wow! I'm speechless!

CowboyBob said...

Go for it! Sometimes the question is not what does one know well enough to write about, but what does one imagine well enough.

CowboyBob said...

Ditto on reference to Julia Cameron's stuff. Helps me much.