Saturday, March 27, 2010

It feels like a squirmy-wormy. In my soul!

Something is not quite jiving. Hmm.

In thinking over my last blog, I have recognize in myself a habit of self-deprecation. Not when it comes to singing or acting or even dancing, really. I can see my worth in those areas. Yay. However, while policing my thoughts the past few days I have noticed a trend:

"I should write today. But So & So told me she already has 326 pages of her manuscript done. She's so far ahead of me. Maybe the world has enough authors and I should find something else to do . . ."

"I'd like to go on a hike. But I'm not as fast as *sister-in-law* or as strong as *brother-in-law.* I'd slow everyone down. Remember Subway?" And then the memory of my behavior on Subway pretty much shuts me down.

"I wanna take a dance class. But I'm not as thin as Thus 'n' So, nor have I been dancing for as long as most of the people there. They'd have to spend too much time on me. I'll dance in my kitchen." Which I don't do because:

"I'll dance in the kitchen. But what if someone sees me? I don't look cool like people in the movies . . ."

"I want to go for a run. I'm too bouncy. And I can't run a marathon like Pretty Lady in the ward. She ran six miles yesterday, and it was like nothing. Leave the running to the runners."

"I feel like doing Yoga this morning." *image of adorable sister-in-law at a particular SU lake enters my mind, full of grace and form* "Well, maybe after everyone goes to bed or something. I don't look like it's supposed to look."

"I should pick up the Tobie story. But when I told that lady about it, she did say that my premise was common. I should just leave that one alone."

"I want to host a party! I'm not as well off as SomePeople. And my house isn't as big as theirs. Maybe I'm not a very good hostess after all. I wish someone would invite me over to their house . . ."

I'm sure the idea has been got. Yikes. I just wrote a big old blog about compliments. About being grateful for what and who YOU are. And I totally missed the point of being grateful for what I AM. And to do so without comparison.

None of these people said I wasn't as good at the activity as they were. I did. I said I wasn't as good or talented or fast or thin or flexible or whatever else. ME!

So . . . how can I rephrase these in my head to leave only the compliment to them, and make it not about me?

Um, I just took a minute aside and tried to re-write the above self-depricators. It's hard! I'm really struggling. How does one re-frame one's own thoughts so as not to shut one's self down? The best I came up with was straightforward, "So & So is totally focused. How could I learn from that?"
I'm thinking that could apply to all of these. "What could I learn from them/that/him/her/it?"

That is the key! I must be humble enough to accept that there is always something we can learn from everyone! Even the people we feel we have no threat from, "I'm easily a better mom than her." (Sometimes I think people think this about me . . .) It goes back to asking yourself, "Is that true? Can I absolutely know it is true? What does that say about me? Who would I be without that thought?"

My brain opened up and I am pleased with the result. No wonder this has been itching around inside me for long. I was about to learn something! And I have. I have learned that pride is counteracted by humility, and humility is the attitude of being consistantly grateful and employing a willingness to learn from situations and my other brothers and sisters.
Awesome, Father in Heaven; simply awesome. Thank you!


WildBound said...

I love your ability to self-analyze, self-teach, self-inform and self-motivate. Thank you!

Fedaykin said...

Hearty ditto.

Fedaykin said...

To quote you quoting someone to me, "Forget your fears and live." That's really what the comparison is all about, isn't it?

Lori said...