So, I've been thinking a lot. Fedaykin and my hunny have brought some things to my attention, particularly as relates to writing.
Fedaykin noticed that when I discuss my writing, I get pretty - and simply - stupid. All the truth and wisdom I seem to be armed with on other occasions and subjects totally falls apart like a bike without bolts. He was basically laughing at me and my irrational fear-based arguments.
He even went so far as to kill one of my excuses with an early Christmas present: A digital recorder.
Then there is Muad'Dib who has made a few observations regarding my "poetry" and my brain blockage when it comes to long (novel length) fiction stories. I have characters but can't seem to get them from point A to point B. He thinks that I'm pretty good with short stories (note "The Mystery of the Missing Legos"). He also pointed out that I come alive when talking about non-fiction; such as putting life principles in a story-like context or sharing an experience for the purpose of illustrating a lesson/application of lesson.
I also enjoy being a "ghost-writer," and an editor.
So where does that put me?
Muad'Dib has suggested that I write a children's book about sharing, using true principles. Or a "feel good" book illustrating true principles of self-interest as found in the gospel, and how to incorporate those things into our lives (rather than the alternative, which seems to be "Do service or God won't love you as much, and the Spirit will LEAVE you. Especially on Sunday; which is only a day of rest if by 'rest' you mean doing as much for other people as you can regardless of yourself and/or what brings you peace.")
I guess that I am wondering - like my husband on his blog - "Where do I go from here?" The Lord has basically made a song out of the word "Write." And I hear it in my head any time I ask "What can I do" either to help myself emotionally, help my family financially, help others... the answer is always the same. Yet it seems that the direction ends there. So am I to conclude that I must do as Julia Cameron suggests and DO IT no matter my mood, without appraising the content - just hoping that something good falls out of me and lands on paper?
Or should I conclude that I have not yet found that venue that makes my brain whir like a fully functioning piece of machinery with full batteries and endless space to run?
I am at a loss. Sure I write the blog....and that is likely what makes Muad'Dib say "non-fiction."
I still get stuck on the thought, "What do I know well enough to write it?" I know myself.....and that's about it. I know what I've been through, how I've dealt with it, how that's been to my advantage or disadvantage. I even know how to see something as though it were to my advantage, rather than the opposite. Yet I don't know that my processes are of any worth to others.
On the other hand, I get downright upset when I read other books and see that the authors can't write as well as I can. I know: pride. I know. Yet when I read those kinds of books it makes me sick. It's like a person who CAN play the organ, and play it well, but chooses not to, but then that person gets mad when the "amature" who does get up to play the organ, doesn't do it as well. There's a word for that: ridiculous. Here's another: silly. Bad-selfish. Stupid.
And this is the rut I talk myself into whenever writing comes up. No wonder Muad'Dib lets me alone and Fedaykin laughs like he's watching the newest Jacka** movie. Because it's painfully, laughably stupid. It's the chance to watch my brain malfunction, when so often it seems to be a fine specimen of working order. Yikes.
At least these conversations over the past few days have got me thinking of how to portray the true principles of sharing....and if I can get to work, perhaps I'll need an illustrator in a few weeks. We'll see. Any other ideas? Anyone?