Why hello there. It has been a while.
Too long have I relied on Facebook for my standard mode of wordy communication. I gave up on the blog because I felt like no one was reading it. And in the months that followed I have come to realize that I read it. I go back over and over to re-live moments of "aha!" and "what the buckets?!" I have been helped by myself. So I will continue. If anyone joins me, great. But the point is that I join me. As I quote at the top: I am the meaning.
With that said, it may take a while for my brain to get going again. I have left off my penchant for verbose-ness. Seriously. I went from one of those huge journals - filling at least a page a day - to a normal size journal....and not even completing a full HALF page. I stopped Blogging. I have written a few things....and I will not downplay that accomplishment. Still I can admit that the real problem with not writing is that it seems to testify that I am not really thinking.
So. What am I thinking? I know that most of my thoughts are "baby," "children's happiness," "husband's book (which is awesome, btw)," "exersise," "don't eat so much," and "I wish it were rainy-er." Ah....you see? I have recently had a major epiphany and am not even thinking about it. Truth to my claim!
I will say it as best I can, though I know there are some who will dislike my word choices for being "harsh." I say examine the evidence before you judge it.
First: I have fears. They are valid and have proven to be substantial. When compared with other people who have suffered "more" than I, they are small and one might be left to wonder, "Really? That is what you are afraid of?!" But still, they remain regardless of whether someone else judges them a meager offering.
Second: I have - over the course of many years, beginning in my senior year (I tend to call it "hell year") of High School - figuratively and in fact literally fed my fears.
It might be helpful to understanding to share these fears, as it SO directly relates to the overall breakthrough in understanding:
FEAR: I am afraid to be attractive; not because I think I will act on attention, but because I am afraid that other women will see me as a threat to their talents, their appearence, their self-image and to their husbands. I have tried. Every time I felt like my attractiveness (awesomeness) was a threat in even the smallest way to a friend, I stepped up my eating. I had to make it "safe" for them to be around me. Because....
FEAR: I am afraid of being un-needed, un-useful, abandoned, seen as "not worth it." Being alone is not the issue: being useless in the lives of those I love, being an unsafe component in their lives - for me - is the issue. Because....
FEAR: I am afraid of how great I will be if I can't temper all my goodness with , "but I'm fat." Will anyone want to be my friend if I am a blazing standard of talent, intelligence, creativity, intuition, motherhood, wife-ish-ness, humor AND physical beauty?! And I just realized how stupid that question is. Which leads me to my largest fear, which is also the conclusion:
I have been stupid. I have been acting stupid. I have been RESISTING the truth: I'm great.
I confused humility with fear and came up with....stupidity. The stupidity putrified into stupid pride.
I'm sorry for what my fears might say about my opinion of others. Sincerely. I didn't realize that I let my fears become judgement of others. They began "harmless" enough. I just wanted CeCe to relax and not see me as a threat to her relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I just wanted Melanie and Jill and Stacy and Rachel to not be mad at me all the time. I wanted Kirby to leave me alone and stop beating me down. I wanted to be "safe" from rape in college.
I wanted to protect myself.
And have ended up doing the exact opposite.
Fear does that.
Fear makes one stupid/makes one act stupidly. And by stupid I mean contrary to reality, natural laws (which are also eternal laws), and rational self-interest. Rationally, eating 6-8 candy bars in a day, followed by 4 donuts and a 10pm snack of a stack of cookies doesn't help anyone. But my fear said it would keep me relevant and unforgettable, it would make others safe to see themselves, it would - someday give me a badge of honor when I overcame it.
Wait. That's the important one!
I wanted a "Badge of Honor."
Like when I'm directing a play and someone questions how I'm teaching them to enunciate and project and I can say, "Hey. I've done theater for 21 years at *this and this theater*, I've been paid *this much* and toured with *this company* and learned from *this awesome theater professer*." and that is enough to convince them to listen to me long enough for them to see the proof of my direction.
I have a few more Badges, but don't need to go into them here.
I had "struggled" for so long, I became convinced that I must be fat for a good reason, and once I figured it out, then I could lose the weight. Then I would have a valient badge of honor, some emotional hardship I overcame! Look at me I overcame ChildHood Trauma! Look at me I overcame a Thyroid Problem! Look at me I overcame Abandonment Issues!
Unfortunately (see how twisted my mind had become) I didn't have any of those problems. I had fears, and they were real and valid, but they weren't GOOD enough. Not one of them kept me fat on their own. I needed one that was good enough. And "stupid" wasn't a "good" reason. So I continued to resist losing weight.
And there it is. Did you know that resisting a thing gives it power? I didn't. Maybe I did, but couldn't see the application in my own life because I was still waiting for that one valient issue to rear it's head like a big slathering dragon so I could slay it and mount it's head on my wall.
Turns out my Dragon was a multi-headed Hydra, with different poisons and dangers to each mouth. Just like Hercules I tried cutting off each head to kill it. But I never touched the heart.
The heart wasn't a fear, it was the resistence to the fears. I was fighting my own beauty so much that I was in fact FEEDING the fear to destroy it. And that's stupid.
In summation: I have learned that all my fears are valid. And I don't have a good, valient reason to stay fat.
I guess I better let the fat go, then. Just stop resisting losing weight. Let it happen. Stop resisting the magnitude of my Chelsea-ness, and let it happen. Knowing that the people who have always found me attractive, will continue to see me as such; considering that my getting fat didn't stop them, getting thin won't make much difference either. Because I attract great people. My husband thinks the world of me, even when he sees me being stupid for reasons he can't even fathom. My children think the world of me. And I think the world of me. Let's just let it happen.
It has been said that I don't know how to relax. The rest of my life will be an exersise in relaxation and be-ing. Because with all I have to give, I don't have the time to resist it anymore. There is so much of me, and so much I can do with it.
So as each fear - still valid - rears it's dangerous head to swallow me down, my new job is not to feed it, but to relax; I will soothe the heart of the beast. The heart of the matter is that I am amazing and that's okay.
"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."
Okay, Father. I will. :)