Umm.

Apparently I didn't notice that I was signed in as Muad'Dib, and did a few reply posts. If there's a recent one from him that doesn't sound like him, it was me. Can you guess which ones are which?

Of Slinkies and Baby Jewelry . . .

To Do: August 29, 2007 1. Vaccume. scratch that. Litter the floor with toys.

2. Vaccum the couch. "We don't think so, Mom." Build Cushy hole.

3. Do the Dishes. Or . . . Take pictures of various indoor phenomenon. Such as the above faceless couch jumper, native to the Northeast region of the Congo.

AAAAHHH! A flying Lemur!

Or is it a Gholem?

Rivulet testing her legs. Soon she'll be walking. Yikes. Just another animal in the zoo I call home.

Book Review

Books I've read recently:
1. Fablehaven 2: Rise of the Evening Star.
2. Sandworms of Dune

Books I'm currently reading:
1. Atlas Shrugged
2. Twilight
3. BOM

Favorite books:
1. Rebecca - Daphne DuMaurie
2. Chapterhouse, Dune
3. Heritics of Dune
4. God Emperor of Dune
5. Harry Potter 3
6. Bridge to Teribithia
7. Mythago Wood
8. Saints - OSC
9. The entire Ender and Ender Shadow series.
10. Son of the Sahara - Louise Gerard
11. Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands - Dr. Laura
12. Baptists at our Barbeque.
13. I Capture the Castle - Dodie Smith.

I think that's enough. The favorites, I would recommend to all. The recent i would recommend to those who have read the first books, although Fablehaven was just a propeller and Sandworms was like asking someone to tell you what happned in a movie because you never plan on seeing it yourself. The story is solid, but it was not told with the flair that Frank would have were he still around to do the telling. and the currently reading I cannot recommend because I have no firm opinion about them yet. Except the BOM, and I'm sure you all know where I stand on that.

BOGO

So yesterday, a friend of mine told me of a half off sale at Famous Footwear. The shoes I bought last week were already falling apart, and Lemur needed a pair of Sunday shoes, so we decided to go to the mall and take advantage of the sale.

We arrived and looked through the whole store, finding nothing under $50 that I liked. And absolutely nothing for Lemur. Across the mall, we found a Payless where I had last week purchased the shoes that were now falling apart.

I walked in, showed them the shoes and they said they would exchange them, even without a reciept. I looked around for a pair that I liked that were just remotely comfortable . . . No luck.

But I did find a pair for Lemur and even for Rivulet (who has shown an affinity for shoes).

I walked out of Payless in my socks. It was fun.

Not amazingly, this story sounded funnier in my head. I guess it loses a lot in the re-telling. Hmmm.

Introducing the Japanese Jellyfish

My brother, Jeff who will hereafter be known as CountryHopper, has started his own blog. He is currently in Macau China, performing with the Venitian Hotel (an offshoot of the one in Vegas.) He will be there for six months, so through Christmas.

He is just a little fledgeling, starting out in a world he barely understands (blogging and Asia). So, although he doesn't have much on his site, it would be nice if anyone interested would drop by and let him know we're watching. But not in a creepy way. In a loving, supportive from thousands of miles away way. Anyway,

http://www.japanesejellyfish.blogspot.com/

Enjoy.

Can I?

Ahhhh, a soothing image of Lake Powell. A home of the soul . . .

As a few know, Muad'Dib and I "downsized." We sold our two untrustworthy cars for a single '05 Ford Escape. Already it feels more real to me than either of the others. At least real enough that I have given it a name: Junior. Junior of what? I don't know. But the name seems to fit. It is the first car I have ever driven that felt entirely masculine. The other cars I have driven were named Judy, Red and Quest. And Wiggit. They each were feminine in my brain.

But this analysis is not the point of my blog. (I have a point? Let's see.)

Now Muad'Dib takes the car to work and I am home with the two kids. All day. Anyone I have told about the situation has expressed concern for my sanity. Rightly so, no doubt, given my past displays when cut off from any one of the many things I enjoy. I remember well the first day and night spent in our first apartment with no T.V. no phone and no car. I was consumed by inexplicable anxiety.

I'm happy to say that has not been the case this week. I have been more than content to be home. I have cooked, cleaned, baked, gone for walks, read Sandworms of Dune, and played with my children in the rain and in the house.

Today, however, has been a different story. I wigged out a little. I wasn't sure why. I gave myself a time out and tried to calm down. When I felt calm, I came out and before making it entirely out of the hallway, I was yelling at my son because he was laughing.

Hmmmm. Something's wrong here.

Rivulet grabbed for my glasses as I helped the kids clean up and I yelled at her, "You know you aren't allowed to touch my glasses." What is she? One? Good laws! Like I expected her to know what I was saying. Well, sensitive little Rivulet, she understood she was in trouble, curled under her lip and began to cry. I held her while she calmed down and fell asleep.

And I went through the past few days, compared them with today and tried to discover what was different. Without too much trouble I found the difference.

Today I have been unproductive.

The past days each had me doing at least one thing I was proud to tell Muad'Dib about when he returned home to a warm dinner, clean downstairs and happy family. So far today, I could boast no such thing. No laundry done, no real cleaning done. Okay, I finished Sandworms and therefore could discuss it with My Muad'Dib, who was so yearning for someone to talk to about this great ending. But . . .

Then I looked back over much of my life and noticed that I like to relax for a day or two, but all in all, I would rather be busy doing something. I like to be productive. Because I can be. When

I'm not, I feel that one emotion that Trailblazer rightly points out is entirely worthless and unproductive: guilt.

But why react with anger? Perhaps because i am addicted to the feeling of power I get when i exercise my ferocious anger over the little people who fall prostrate at my feet, amazed at my fire and wrath. I'm not giving any other perhaps's because in the deepest parts of my mind that is the answer: that's why I react in anger. I think it gives me power. I think my power is so great that I will scare away anything I don't like. I will change things by the mere force of my anger.

Sound dumb?

It would if it hadn't worked so many times before. But however much this tactic worked or I believe that it worked in the first 20 years of my life, I have to realize that it doesn't work now. Nor should it. Not on my children, not on my husband. Especially not on them. And my body doesn't put up with that anymore. My body does not retreat when my emotional self gets all fire and combust-y. No. It just sits there. Because I have lost it's respect.

I seem to be doing that a lot. (Wildbound, you know what I mean.)

So: earning respect. I know how to do it. Be Productive. Be a producer. Act. Be. If something's not working: change it. If something is working: expound upon it.

Often I end a blog with a great opening of the mind like the one above. Then I say simply, "I can do that."

Can I?

Even as i have been writing this: even as i feel the truth of the revelation in my heart, I have yelled at Lemur. I have felt the hand of anger squeeze my heart, shrinking it, turning it purple with rage that yearns to seep out. then it comes back to guilt. Stupid circular system of emotion.

I guess this is one of those entries that is a little more raw emotion than should be allowed. But it's my blog and my thoughts and although I'm a little ashamed of some of them, what good does shame do me? Writing makes me feel better. Cleaner. A little less Strangled Purple.

But do you know what I could really use right now? I know, but dare not ask for it. It sounds too much like quitting already. Let me see if I can push past this pure primal reaction and create something to be proud of today. I can do that.

Can I?

A moment of Reminisce

When I was on Tour with a play that shall remain un-named (oh, the shame), we as a cast did a fireside. During it, a dear friend (who I just love to death) sang a song that apparently her mother used to sing to her. It was beautiful and Celtic and accapella. I have never heard the same arrangement since, and can't get a hold of her to have her record it . . . but the words also made a fantastic impact on me. So, here they are:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Little did I know this was the prayer of St. Francis. Well, it still has merit. And I like it. So there.

The Many Storms that Wet the day.

The First storm . . .

We must be living in Opposite town. When it's bright and sunny out, my kids and I stay indoors like vampires. But the moment it starts pouring rain, we run out into the thick of it, bare feet and all. Lemur was so happy to be out in the rain, as you can see. He later stood under the run off and soaked himself through, laughing all the while.
"I wanna splash in the puddles," a lonely ground bound baby says to herself. So her dear mother (who is also clever, gorgeous and funny) walked her over to a small puddle near the door. Rivulet splashed and played and then . . .
"Mmmmm. Robust and a bit heady. A fine vintage of rain water, if you ask me." She was sucking the offering of the sky off her pudgy little fingers. And was reprimanded.

Ohh. A tear! Raindrops of a different kind. And these weren't so fun. Lemur was drenched! But as soon as the rain was over, he was ready to go inside until:

The SECOND STORM . . .

Rivulet was content at first to stay on the dryish porch while laughing at Lemur and grinning at Muad'Dib. Later, she transformed into a mini maniac, holding Muad'Dib's fingers and walking out in the pouring rain like the rest of us. She sure loved holding her bare feet under the run off and splashing in puddles like a big girl. Ahh, yes. One minute it's pouring rain, with Lemur squealing about in delighted happiness . . .
The next, dark clouds are painted gold by the fading light of day . . .
And then a clear sky shows us that night has come, and a friendly sliver of moon winks it's playful light at us before we go back inside. Welcome to rain days in Utah!

Tag, I'm it.

(photo courtesy of Wildbound)

1. What songs/books from your childhood are the most meaningful to you now and why?

Books: Bridge to Teribithia, The Druid's Gift, and Redwall. If we are going off of Elementary School.

Bridge was the first book that i connected with emotionally; I actually started sobbing in class as we read it aloud.

Druid was the first one I remember reading all by myself, and I began to really imagine being an author.

Redwall because i remember my teacher reading it to us in class.

Songs: "Did your mother come from Ireland," "Somewhere Out There," "Kokomo" and "On My Own."
Ireland because it's the first song I remember my mother singing to me.

Somewhere because I was not born a good singer, and one night when I was doing the dishes I started singing this. My mom came upstairs and said, "I thought it was Jeff." Then I knew there was hope for me.

Kokomo because the four kids were going to sing it for a talent competition, and I remember my dad teaching us dance moves and all.

On my Own because i listened to it alot.

2. If you didn’t have the constraints of family, work, and time what would you love to be doing now with your life?
If I didn't have constraints of time, my children would be teenagers and we would all travel together. I'd also spend my days writing, doing theater with Muad'Dib and watching my children do what they enjoyed. I'd also be living in Afton, Wyo in the house we would build on the site of the old Homestead. My fondest wish is to someday have a home of our own where many children come and play while I'm cooking and talking and laughing with the children and their parents.

3. Who did you have the biggest crush on in middle school/junior high - celebrity or real life?
Celebrity: Jonathon Brandis (The Neverending story II)
Real Life: Tyson Skeen, Brock Blake and Cade Boyer.

4.What is something you can’t seem to keep yourself from purchasing?
Things on sale. Interesting journals or blank books.

5. What, specifically, have you done in your life that you are the most proud of?
Married Muad'Dib, successfully carried two children to term who are even now healthy and basically happy, made 12 sword frogs from nothing more than a picture, directed Much Ado About Nothing in High School, hiking the Narrows (granted, I didn't know what I was getting into), hiking to the Meadows on Timp, hiking Subway and much more, actually. Yay me!

Things I've Learned

Remember when most of my posts were all, "hey, I've learned something neat?"

I recently noticed that the flavor has changed quite a bit and would like to share some learning.

So this particular post is dedicated to the things I have learned during the last few months of rehearsal and performance for The Secret Garden:

*My children are highly tolerant of any given venture for about two months. Then they act out in any way they can or must to get this one message across: "Mom, we need you." (I also was taught this lesson when I went back to school, but apparently it didn't sink in . . . or I thought this would somehow be different.)

*There are some people whose energy makeup is exactly polar my own when under stress (resulting in hyperactive friction).

*I have control over the above situation. Because I am sensitive and have the ability to recognize that difference, I can change my energy and reaction. It's hard, but I can do it.
(it took me far too long to learn this one; sorry Shematite.)

*In general, persons in theater leadership do not want any help I have to offer based on study, knowledge or experience. If I come across a nice prop, sure. But should I know something they don't for any reason, it's best to keep my mouth shut. I may not understand it, but I learned it.

*The Playhouse has a lot to offer, including some very talented directors, lighting designers and costumers. Odd that I would need a comparison to be able to learn this.

*I love learning and "perfecting" a new accent. I am the first to admit that this "Yorkshire" accent wasn't true Yorkshire. But trust me when I say that if I spoke true Yorkshire, you wouldn't understand it on the first second or twelveth hearing. This one was toned down quite a bit and I wansn't allowed to use the true language. Despite that, it was still super fun!

*I love braiding hair and can't wait for Rivulet to have hair long enough. I just hope she'll let me play.

*Muad'Dib is incredibly talented. We spent some time together "working" on character, but all in all, that man created his own Archie. He has fantastic insticts and creates a 3D living person. I have heard it said that people wish he had "done more" or had some "busy work." But I pose the question: "Besides sitting in a chair (which he was forbidden to do in all song but one), what could he have done differently?" Remember, he was (successfully) using a cane. I am so proud of him. Is it bad to wish I were just in the audience watching him?

*I love friends. I haven't had many since Muad'Dib and I got married . . . but I really enjoy the company of people who choose to be around me, laugh at some of the same things I do and quote movies we all know and can just play. I love it.

*I have all but forgotten how to have an informative conversation that is not complaining about one thing or another. I remember how I used to share all the great stuff that would happen or I'd witness . . . but now I just seem to complain a lot. I get more attention and more reaction when I complain . . . but I realize now how forced and useless it is. Granted, Muad'Dib rarely gets excited about what I find extraordinary or humerous, but is that any reason to stop sharing those things with him, or anyone for that matter? Once upon a time, I under stood that most of what I have to share with someone else is my ability to see wonder and beauty anywhere and at any time. Why have I forgotten that?

*I don't like listening to other people's music when I have no other choice. Enough said.

*I like wireless mics.

*I had truly forgotten the rush of performance. FOr the first three nights, I couldn't get into the groove . . . my character was blahth and I kept messing up my blocking, though we had been running the show for almost a month. Then I finally figured out the key and was able to truly PERFORM. Yikes, what a rush. In fact, when I do it right, my knees are just a little weak when I come off stage. Some may say that you should be more pumped when you are done . . . but I know that the key to touching people is giving of your energy and not sucking it back out of them. Knowing that they accepted it is my payoff.

*I need more sleep to thrive.

*It's possible to over-use a wrist until you literally can't use it anymore.

*Dinner as a family is priceless.

*I miss Trailblazer and Dreampacker.

It's time to make breakfast, so I'll end this little sharing fest. May I learn more that sticks.

A view from Yorkshire

Meet Martha Wembly: singing Yorkshire maid for hire. Dress courtesy of Jim, who was able to make it in less then a week. I'd say that I'm the prettiest one in the cast, but the following pictures would beg to differ . . .
Shematite is a dream in white lace.
And then there's Lily . . . is there anything more beautiful? Not so much.

Okay, well, hearing her sing maybe.