Saturday, April 9, 2011

I will be NOW.

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely."  - Auguste Rodin

Counting down days is a sorry state of being.  Because then very soon, they are no longer "days" they are numbered ordeals to be suffered through before reaching that other thing we are waiting for.  That other thing which we deem to be of greater worth than ANYTHING that could take place on one of the day's we are slowly bemoaning and marking off.

I felt this way as a child, waiting to be a teenager.  I felt this way as a tween waiting to be able to date and drive.  I felt this way as a teenager waiting to graduate and leave behind high school.  I felt this way as a new college student, waiting to meet my future husband.  I have felt this way in every single downturn of my depression cycle.  In fact, thinking this way often TRIGGERS the depression cycle.  Because it implies that what is happening NOW is not worth my energy or focus.  And somehow that reflects poorly on me TO me and I shut down.  "Must reserve energy for worthwhile events only."  Depression or restless anxiety ensues.

Today I am "waiting" for a baby.  Yesterday the snow fell all day long and I spent the day sitting in a green recliner by the window, just enduring each hour.  I coped with online T.V., "Notting Hill," crocheting and trying to keep the kids from bothering me.

When I woke up this morning, I assigned a new number to the day.  23 days from now is my due date.  That makes today 23.  Not Saturday.  Not Cleaning Day.  Not a day to spend with my children as one of the last 23 days we will have left as a simple, and basically well-functioning family of four.  Nope.  Just "23."

Then I as I was pouring milk into my cereal bowl, I saw the magnet that proclaims the above quote.  Today does not have to be 23.  It doesn't have to be a waste of time.  I can use today wisely.     Wisely meaning: enjoy my children with whatever energy I have.  If that's too much, at least I can use whatever energy I have to be kind to them.  I can sit with them and do what they want to do instead of being a grump and saying, "I'm  too tired to watch you play a game or sit next to you while you paint with water colors." 

Like many people who dance with depression, I fall into the false belief that I only have a certain amount of energy.  Granted:  I'm pregnant, so that statement is a little less false than normal.  Minimum physicality for Normal Sayyadina is Over-doing it for Pregnant Sayyadina.  Still:  If I can muster up the energy to shop for Lemur's birthday preparations, or for 3 hours of work, doesn't that show me that I can muster up the energy to make these final 23 days of Four-Some worthwhile? 

On the last day before Lemur was born, I shopped for wigs in SLC, bought a LovSac for Muad'Dib's birthday and ate very spicy Thai food.  Granted, I was in a wheel chair for most of the excursion, but I still didn't opt out.  

On the last day before Rivulet was born, I walked all over Walmart with Lemur, and we laughed and played as only the two of us could. 

Do I really want to look back and say, "On the last day before Baby was born I sat in a chair and ignored my children because it was snowing and I was grumpy" ?  I don't think that's how I want to remember the next 23 days.

I want to remember Saturday at the Gem Show. Monday: Lemur's birthday; Wednesday: the day I read to Lemur's class from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  Friday: the day I play fairies with Rivulet until she gets bored of me, and not the other way around.  I want to remember DAYS, not speed through numbers.  Because we will never be this way again.  We will never simply be FOUR again. 

Being FOUR is awesome.  Being FIVE will be awesome, but it is not here yet.  NOW is all I have.  And if I sacrifice NOW for THEN, I sacrifice for an unguaranteed return, which is risky if not downright silly.  Will I be less tired in 23 days?  Nope.  I'll have just undergone surgery and not really get to see my two children for three days while I lay in a hospital and become acquainted with my new one.  Will I be more able to play with the Two?  Nope.  Two weeks will pass before I can go for a walk with them, or help them take a bath or really fix their meals. 

What I can do NOW is worth my focus and attention.  Baby will come when Baby is ready.  And until then, I have the chance to enjoy at most 23 days with my first two children, and my dear husband. 

I will rest when I have done good.  And if all the kids are asking of me is to sit near them while they do what they do, I can and WILL form my attitude to be one of gratitude for the constant NOW that we are able to spend together.  No more counting off days.  No more wishing today would end so I could get to tomorrow, so I can get to May 2nd sooner. 

I will be NOW.  And I'm going to use all my substantial powers to enjoy it!


Fedaykin said...

"Must reserve energy for worthwhile events only."

This is awesome. I'm all energized now.

Julie said...

I so understand!! I just said today to my mom that I need to enjoy the moments more- to enjoy NOW!!! Thank you!! And Congratulations!!!!!!!!!