Changing my tune

These were the thoughts in my head this morning:

"No one ever cared if I should live or die.  Surely time will prove these bitter memories...
All the years of useless work have finally reached an end; loneliness and emptyness will be my
only friend..."

And, "Talking to myself and feeling old; sometimes I'd like to quit.  Nothing ever seems to fit. Nothin' is really wrong. Feelin' like I don't belong."

Of course it all sounded much nicer set to music, the music of The Carpenters, actually.  *the italicized words are those which had been twisted from the original lyrics, which I didn't know until I looked them up this morning...

But I've learned more, so I was able to see more.  First off: yikes.  I have been listening to this music literally my entire life.   Last summer a kid gave me - as a director's gift - a gift card to iTunes.  One of my major purchases with that card was all the Carpenters music I had loved as a kid and teenager.  Every song that stirred up slightly sepia images of family, Idaho, childhood friends and childhood love. 

I recently took all Carpenters songs off my ipod list simply because I felt "down" whenever they came on.

And now, over a month later I can see why.  I woke up with these words in my head: "No one ever cared if I should live or die," and "I'd like to quit; nothing ever seems to fit."

Oh how easy it must have been for negative spirits and enemies unseen to foster feelings of worthlessness, unloveable-ness, fear, depression and despair when I was pumping my head full of it all on my own?  I was literally SINGING THAT TUNE.  And then how easy it must have been for them to pull up those thoughts just - ya know - whenever; because they were not new to me.  I had them memorized. 

I had indoctrinated myself with self-depricating despair-speak.  With music.

Let's stop for a moment and take that in. 



I had a friend years ago who had been a child of golden heart.  He was amazing; kind, gentle, brave and open.  I loved him.  Granted, we were children, but I have a great capacity for love, and he had earned it time and time again with his sweetness.  He was abused.  His family split up; his father was the abuser.  Still for many years he remained with that open, pure quality which even as a child I found amazing given his circumstances.  And I continued to love him. 
Then one summer I went up to their house in Idaho.  He was drastically changed.  From the boy I knew at 12 to the teen I met at 17....  He was of course taller.  He was crazy attractive, muscular - no, ripped - from head to toe, with a man's voice and bearing.  But the largest difference was that he was so angry. 

Apparently, in therapy he had been advised to find music that expressed his feelings and then listen to it whenever he felt those feelings.  He would then work out or excersise to what he called his "Angry Music."  He would smoke pot to his "Alone Music" and fall asleep at night to his "Dying Music." 

I am in awe of this recognition.  We are stewards of our bodies.  We are stewards of our minds.  I don't care if you believe these things were given to you by a higher power or not, fact is you have them.  They are yours to do with as you see fit.  And this dear friend, whom a part of me still loves, chose to slowly destroy himself....to familiar tunes.

Just as I in so many solitary moments of my life sought to depress or "express" myself to music.  It makes sense now why my other friend would have been worried about me - at age 17 - when I started to listen to harder, more angry music. 

So here I am at the age of 31.5 FINALLY getting the picture that the prophets and apostles have been trying to impress upon us all for ever so many years.  I guess I just didn't have enough evidence; but I sure do now. 

I said this before:  "Music releases emotion and Silence releases thought."  Why is that?  Because music stirs emotion within us.  It is one of the reasons Hymns are a delightful addition to any church service; those selections of music stir our hearts, lift our souls and help us feel what heaven was like and will be like again. 

All music has that power.  And you know what, I don't even need to preach about the power of music.  Prophets, Apostles and smart people througout the ages have done that already - better than I. 

I'm just adding my experience to the chorus of evidence of the fact that we must protect our minds; be aware of what you are memorizing, what you encourage your chidren to memorize through song.  Because all those words, phrases and feelings are stored somewhere in your mind.  And will be forever.