Monday, July 23, 2007

Constellations of the Brain

It seems to me that we all have a little sadness in us.

Tonight, mine comes from looking at a situation and trying desperately to feel like it's not my responsibility. The problem is, I deeply feel it is my responsibility, because it is within my ability to change it. The people in charge don't want my help. Others "on my level" don't say anything at all, so I fear I am swimming alone . . .

My sadness comes from seeing pictures of myself . . .

From reading stories like Wildbound's and hearing my own inability to "finish a prayer."

From comparing myself to others.

From feeling hopeless.

From feeling useless.

From feeling like a failure.

From feeling a little bit lost.

But, on a brighter side: Muad'Dib is adorable and Harry Potter is awesome. My baby back pack arrived today and I rehearsed in a cute skirt that made me feel a little flow-y and pretty-ish. Though at the back of my mind remains these points of sadness, like stars: sometimes they shine brighter than other times. And right now, it is night: they shine for all to see. So what do we do when my sadness stars litter the night sky like dropplets of spilled milk? We connect the dots and make sense from the senselessness that is my unfiltered emotional response.

I think I see an otter! I will name him Fenwhing.


CowboyBob said...

I believe we all have a little sadness at times, sometimes confused with nostalgia. Old folks, like me, enjoy a lot of nostalgia, usually. But no regrets. Regret, fear, and quilt are wasteful emotions.

Fedaykin said...

Those bright stars capture such interest. We repeatedly trace their patterns and fit them into constellations. I think half of the appeal is just discovering a connection, for good or bad. The longer I look at them, the more I get the impression that I am looking at a very small section of a beautiful tapestry. And the stars that mesh so well together right now, are not connected at all but parts of other wholes to form something much grander.

Sayyadina said...

That gives me hope!