Thursday, July 12, 2007

I guess I'm a visual learner . . .

The lesson for which I needed a visual display?
My husband loves me!

I'll bet there are those who are right now asking with concern, "You didn't know that before?"

Well sure I did (do). Woven into the fabric of my every day existence is the knowledge that Muad'Dib loves me. But as most knowledge, sometimes we know it so well, we forget that we know it and when we are reminded: it takes our breath away.

Last night we were at rehearsal. I was having an emotional reaction which in some ways is like an allergic reaction. The symptoms being watery eyes, crankyness, flushed skin and swelling (though mostly of the eyes, heart and anger gland). As is normal for me, it took a while to redirect the overflow of emotional energy, and in the meantime it hit a few people, including (though not limited to) my son and husband.

Muad'Dib sighed as I sat next to him. I was trying to calm down but instead merely vented. Poor receptical for my emotional waste. Before long he got up and I decided to feel hurt and angry that he would be bothered by me and my "honest" show of emotion. So for a moment or two, I stared angrily at the stage and the performers on it, shooting daggers from my eyes.

Then I looked up. Trying to find Muad'Dib, hoping to "talk" some more, with my eyes I searched the ampitheater for him. He was on the far side, pushing Rivulet up the hill in her stroller to keep her calm. Do you know why he was doing that?
For me.

In that moment I realized he was giving up conversations with friends, practice of lines and character introspection time becuase he believed that taking care of Rivulet for a moment, far away, would make me feel better. Seeing his love pulled me up short and cleared my head. All he wanted was for this experience to be a good one. He works hard every day (because even a day off at the PO is a work day at Coldwater Canyon) to give me the life that I want. His main goal for being in this play was to spend time with ME. And what was I giving him in return?


What a spoiled Diva I was being. How sad that I projected feelings that led him to believe I was angry at our children.
So I changed. And not fake angry change, either. I really decided how to improve what was in my control, and how to accept or release the rest.

The rest of the evening was great. Hopefully he felt it too. I can choose to be happy and positively progress in order to create a worthwhile experience for my husband and, consequently, for me. Apparently, I just needed a little visual reminder.
Thanks, Muad'Dib.


Fedaykin said...

How is it that the things we know most deeply are the things we feel the least. The things we realize the least? Love, testimony, the things that matter most it seems. I decided experience and knowledge are like RAM in a computer. If you turn it off, it vanishes. Writing it down is like saving it to the hard drive. It loses the 3rd dimension and meaning. But when you access it, there is a cache file stored that helps jog your memory that fills in between the lines with forgotten context, feelings, and meaning.

desertbound said...

Thanks for sharing. I often see and feel your anger and tension but don't see the lesson learned or the resolution. I appreciate you loving my brother enough. I love you.